The Definitive Ranking Of The 2013 NFL Quarterbacks, By Hottness

Because it’s your gameday too, Ladies!

32. Mike Glennon (Tampa Bay Buccaneers)

It’s hard enough to be a Buccaneers fan these days (0-8 on the season), but it makes it SIGNIFICANTLY harder to root for them when their quarterback is the spitting image of Napoleon Dynamite (sans the white man’s afro).

CBS Sports / Via cbssports.com

31. Carson Palmer (Arizona Cardinals)

EPSN / Via espn.go.com

Carson Palmer was blessed with the unique ability to grow a ginger beard. I’m not saying that’s a good thing…

30. Peyton Manning (Denver Broncos)

Peyton Manning is undoubtedly one of the greatest quarterbacks to grace the NFL, but that doesn’t mean his forehead shouldn’t more appropriately be called a “fivehead.”

ESPN / Via espn.go.com

29. Ben Rothlisberger (Pittsburgh Steelers)

More aptly named “Ben Rapelisberger” (too soon?), this guy might be one of the scariest looking dudes in football. And he definitely wins “worst body” too.

“the Pittsburgh-y Doughboy”

TMZ / Via thatschurch.com

28. Brandon Weeden (Cleveland Browns)

ESPN / Via espn.go.com

This is a ginger goon if i’ve ever seen one! Although he does deserve some points for being patriotic (and loving pugs…)

27. Andy Dalton (Cincinnati Bengals)

Andy Dalton aka “Ginger Spice” should spend more time in the sun and less time trying to match his hair color to his jersey.

ESPN / Via espn.go.com

26. Kellen Clemens (St. Louis Rams)

As a religious man, Clemens might think about starting to use his time more wisely: praying for better looks.

Bleacher Report / Via bleacherreport.com

25. Nick Foles (Philadelphia Eagles)

Nick Foles aka the better looking Napoleon Dynamite look-a-like…need I say more?

24. Geno Smith (New York Jets)


It’s just hard to stomach (looks wise) that Jets fans went from…

Mark Sanchez to….

GQ / Via sugarslam.com

Geno Smith (also known as, “that guy behind Jay-Z”)

23. Robert Griffin III (Washington Redskins)

GQ / Via gq.com

As a born and raised Redskins fan, it pains me to put RGIII so high on this list. The 2012 Offensive Rookie of the Year is talented, and arguably the nicest guy in the NFL. Still that doesn’t excuse him from wearing this to his wedding…

The Washington Post / Via washingtonpost.com

22. Eli Manning (New York Giants)

You know things are bad in your family genes when this guy is the “cute” one in the family…

“Girl look at that body. I [don’t] workout!”

21. Chad Henne (Jacksonville Jaguars)

(Note: the picture below is, unfortunately for Jaguars fans, not Chad Henne) It’s a sad day for Jaguars fans. Not only are they 0-8 on the season, but like the Jets, they seriously downgraded from this sexy motherf***er (Blaine Gabbert)…

to THIS chubby babyfaced QB who has no flow (who are we kidding, no HAIR) to speak of…

20. Seneca Wallace (Green Bay Packers)

With Rodgers BEAUTIFUL face out for what could be the remainder of the season…

Packers fans now have to rely on Seneca Wallace to bring home a victory against the Eagles today. What he will not be winning is best ANYTHING in the looks department…

TMZ / Via tmz.com

19. Jeff Tuel (Buffalo Bills)

While I don’t so much mind his babyface, it’s Tuel’s wannabe soul patch that is just too much for me to handle…

ESPN / Via espn.go.com

18. Terrelle Pryor (Oakland Raiders)

Terelle Pryor rocks pierced ears, but then again….he rocks pierced ears…

17. Jake Locker (Tennessee Titans)

Locker is definitely good-looking, just a little too “mountain man” for my liking.

ESPN / Via espn.go.com

16. Andrew Luck (Indianapolis Colts)

NESN / Via nesn.com

Although a bit dorky looking, that smile is sure to get Andrew luck-y (ha!)

15. Drew Brees (New Orleans Saints)

Undoubtedly, Brees was once one of the hottest players in the NFL. But with age comes some hair thinning and a higher place on this list.

Oh but did i mention he has the CUTEST family of all time!?

The Huffington Post / Via huffingtonpost.com

14. Matthew Stafford (Detroit Lions)

Stafford may not be rocking the best body, but something about his fratboy persona is working for him. (this may be more my issue than his…)

13. Colin Kaepernick (San Francisco 49ers)

Although Colin Kaepernick scares me a little (in a sexy kind of way?) and is not my type, he has a RIDICULOUS body AND is definitely the quarterback most likely to get naked in the NFL (always a good thing…)

12. Joe Flacco (Baltimore Ravens)

Sports Illustrated / Via sportsillustrated.cnn.com

While Flacco has definitely aged gracefully, he’s aged nontheless…still, I wouldn’t kick the 2013 Superbowl winning QB out of bed…just so long as he never rocks this look again…

11. Alex Smith (Kansas City Chiefs)

Kansas City Chiefs / Via kcchiefs.com

Alex Smith has got some killer baby blues, and the facial hair is seriously workin for him.

10. Ryan Tannehill (Miami Dolphins)

Keeping with the trend that the hottie quarterbacks in the top 10 on this list have a hot significant other, Ryan Tannehill and his wife do not disappoint…

9. Tony Romo (Dallas Cowboys)

As a Redskins fan, I had to be objective on this one. As much of a giant douche crybaby as Romo is, he is handsome enough to be featured in Jimmy Kimmel’s Handsome Men’s Club…and marry a Miss USA contestant. So despite those ears, he must be doing something right…

8. Russell Wilson (Seattle Seahawks)

Russell Wilson is definitely a cutie pie and has a smokin hot wife to boot. The only thing holding him back is that he’s a little on the short side for a QB.

7. Case Keenum (Houston Texans)

The ONLY upgrade on the list, Case Keenum is SIGNIFICANTLY more attractive than veteran Matt Schaub (see below)

Was anyone else a little curious how Schaub could throw a football cross-eyed?

6. Philip Rivers (San Diego Chargers)

You’d expect that being a father of 7 would wear a man down. But aside from the few pounds of “sympathy weight” he’s gained over the years, Rivers has still got it…

5. Matt Ryan (Atlanta Falcons)

Matt Ryan is said to have the most symmetrical face in the NFL…so this isn’t just me talking, it’s science talking.

4. Cam Newton (Carolina Panthers)

Not only is Cam Newton’s body ridiculous, but he definitely has the best smile (and GQ spread) of any NFL quarterback.

3. Jay Cutler (Chicago Bears)

Bears fans can breathe a sigh of relief now that Cutler is back. Mostly because now they get to look at THIS face again…

**SWOON**

E! Online / Via eonline.com

2. Tom Brady (New England Patriots)

Coming in as the #1 DILF, Brady, who is almost too hot for his own good, would usually take the number one spot on this list…he recently wore his hair like this (see below)…and that’s just unforgivable.

1. Christian Ponder (Minnesota Vikings)

ESPN / Via espn991.com

OH THE CHEEKBONES. OH THE HAIR.

LITERALLY SWOONING. I HAVE NO MORE WORDS.

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