Tip One: Hair is Paramount
Did you know that the length of your hair directly corresponds with your level of intelligence? Well, it totally does! According to entirely fabricated state-research, if you grow your hair any longer than the accepted flat-top crew cut, those selfish little bastards spurting out of your follicles will start to pinch all the nutrients that would usually go to your brain, leaving you essentially braindead.
Even worse, you’ll look marginally dishevelled, and, of course, “If a comrade is incapable of feeling ashamed by his hairstyle, how can we expect this man, with such a dishevelled mind-set, to perform his duty well?” Spot-on logic, guys. Einstein had a wild head of hair, and we all know he was a moron. Best bet is to just stick with Kim Jong-il’s time-tested interpretation of a Midwestern lesbian’s bouffant flat-top.
Tip Two: Keep it Unbranded
It’s always puzzled me how the North Korean government is rigidly pro-U.S.A, yet you never see anyone in North Korea sporting Nike or drinking Coca-Cola. Whatever, the moral here is to avoid wearing anything branded by a Western company, because, a: All your friends will laugh at you and call you a dweeb, and b: Your entire family could end up dying at a labour camp in Russia. How embarrassing.
Tip Three: No Trousers Ladies
Nobody can deny that Kim Jong-il was good to his people. Globally, women despise trousers–that’s a concrete fact–so what did the Glorious Leader do? He banned his nation’s women from ever wearing trousers, all so they didn’t have to go through that tedious everyday rigmarole of pretending a sturdy pair of trousers were warmer and way more comfortable than a cheap, scratchy cotton skirt. What a top bloke.
Tip Four: No Jeans, Anyone
Cholos and soccer-moms always get first props when it comes to chinos, but North Korea is the criminally underlooked, undisputed OG of chino OGs. You’re going want to get your hands on some poorly-tailored slacks if you want any chance of picking up some N.K tail, but my utmost top tip in the trouser department is to avoid jeans at all costs.
It doesn’t matter that North Korea make a tidy business of exporting denim, actually wearing the stuff will instantly make you the worst, American-sympathising human being in a 40,000 square mile radius, and that’s a very lonely feeling.
Tip Five: Fur Collared Coats and Puffa Jackets
If you’re sacking off Magaluf this year for a trip to Pyongyang–or any of North Korea’s charming rural retreats, for that matter–don’t even think about busting over there with your favourite peacoat or bomber jacket, you’ll look an utter dick. Puffa jackets, fur-collared coats or padded-out pensioner jackets are de rigueur.
I suppose the way to approach the coat game out there is exactly like you’re going to a mid-90s Nas show, only with the minor disadvantage of being ostracized from your community forever if you wear the wrong thing too often.
Tip Six: Clean Your Shoes
A scuffed shoe represents corruption, capitalism and every ounce of evil that The West have ever mustered up, crammed into one abhorrent signifier of everything that is bad about the world. I don’t why I’m telling you this, though, you heard it all before in nursery, right? Scuffed shoes are pure evil, so make sure you’re polished and buffed, otherwise your shoes might lead to more slightly scuffed shoes and, ultimately, the demise of the entire country into a free-zone where people can dress however the hell they want, and God forbid something as awful as that ever happening.
Tip Seven: Military Chic is Inescapably In
Hey, Coco Chanel, you might have said fashion fades, but you’re dead wrong about North Korea. Military-chic has been in fashion here since 1948, and there are no signs of it being budged out of the way by any of those vacuous Western fads, like jeans, or a wardrobe that doesn’t make you look like you kill people for a living. It’s even a North Korean custom to dress children up in military outfits for special birthdays, equivalent to how little kids in the West dress up as Spiderman, or whatever, for their birthday parties. Only, Western kids are never going to be able to shoot webs from their wrists, whereas most North Korean kids are guaranteed to spend years of their life in the military, with 10 of those years under a mandatory celibacy order. I don’t know where North Korea get this oppressive, backwards image from, it sounds like a riot to me.