Chris Pratt + Dinosaurs = Winning Combination
OR SO WE NAIVELY THOUGHT.
As everyone who's seen the movie knows, we were missing *ONE CRUCIAL ELEMENT.
*No it's not more raptor meows.
And that element was the fact that this beautiful, sweet, accident-prone raptor dad....
....WAS NOT SHIRTLESS EVEN ONCE THROUGHOUT THE WHOLE MOVIE!!!!!!
See this scene in which he's alpha-ing the Raptor Squad? SHIRT.
See this scene where he's poorly flirting with Bryce Dallas Howard? SHIRT WITH SLEEVES COVERING HIS BEAUTIFUL BICEPS.
You probably thought, Oh he's running from the Indominus rex now, his shirt will be artfully torn off of him somehow. BUT NOPE. HE ESCAPES AND ADDS ANOTHER HALF LAYER OF SHIRT (also know as a vest).
Clearly what this dinosaur needed before she drew her last breath was for Chris Pratt to take off his shirt and pillow it under her head as she gazed on his beautiful visage one last time.
Another very important question: HOW CAN BABY RAPTORS EVEN IMPRINT ON YOU IF YOU DONT CLUTCH THEM CLOSE TO YOUR BARED BUSOM AT A VERY YOUNG AGE?
What is even the point of playing a damsel in distress if we don't get to assert our female gaze on you, Christopher?
WHAT IS EVEN THE POINT OF PELVIC SORCERY IF IT'S FULLY *CENSORED?
*By clothing.
We weren't even blessed with a dirty tank top.
You have one job for *Jurassic Universe Hollywood. Make Chris Pratt AT LEAST as shirtless as Bryce Dallas Howard. Look at all that shoulder.
*We can only assume this is what the sequel will be called. And if it isn't it should be.
Whether he's at Star-Lord level (which is honestly not safe for the American public).
Or Andy Dwyer level (which is still not safe for the American public).
SO. SOFT. AND. CUDDLY.
THE PEOPLE HAVE SPOKEN.
