Always unbutton the top button.
The pen is mightier than the sword, but the battleaxe will fuck both of those objects up.
The kawaii version of yourself is always the best version of yourself.
Giant squid of anger like no one's watching.
Find a way to get a minion and then make that minion get pizza for you.
If you have to apologize, make it sincere.
You don't have to take your broke ass home. Take it outside and yell about it.
Treat yoself.
Always drink Old Fashioneds while marathoning "Dora the Explorer."
The only person you need to prove anything to is yourself.
Be a rebel (and gift like one too)!
Humping picture frames = best birthday present ever.
Attract Paula Deen with peanut butter face (and sad Keanu with Paula Deen).
Always have a camera in case of Malfoys in the pool.
Always reblog people you've been intimate with.
Fratricide is always an option.
This is an interrobang and it basically means ?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!???!?!?!
USE PEER PRESSURE EARLY AND OFTEN.
There's literally nothing more beautiful in the world than pizza.
Except for the internet.
Autographs are an art form.
So just use a yeti instead!
Getting high legally will only cost you $50,000.
Perfect your humblebrag.
When wooed by Neil Tyson Degrasse swoon manfully into his arms.
Retcon can be used for good.
Picasso is best enjoyed with Pringles.
Sharpie your guitar for a true rockstar feel (also crowdsurf)!
You'll know you've made it when people are inspired to bone because of you.
Always speak in black and white for a more dramatic edge.
You must wear at least one silk item on your body when educating people on Muggle Quidditch Players.
Always celebrate your half birthday.
The best book ideas come from Facebook.
This is how you should talk about your family.
If you have the opportunity to punch Tucker Max in the face DO IT.
Always visit the Lord's Travel Center.
The importance of venn diagrams.
Do your best to decrease world suck.
Put you face on other people's torsos as much as possible.
True friendship means you write punny erotic friendfiction about each other.
If you're in a gang, have a sweet gang sign that's got international street cred.
The art of war.
You should probably try and like actually gym. At least once. Maybe.
Proper seduction techniques.
But with those seduction techniques comes:
Anything is possible with technology.
Always try and put your face in Matt Damon's face.
Marshmallows are the height of intellectualism.
Hitler is a fuckburger.
SUCCESS SMELLS GREAT.
This is the only appropriate response to the President of the United States.
Robots make the best friends....er fans.
Find someone whose willing to give both a cape and a doctorate in one fell swoop.
Don't give a shit about adults.
You should cut your hair cause it grows back.
You'll never escape and that's okay.
THIS TIMES A MILLION.
Basically:
