27 Things You Shouldn’t Attempt While High

You’ve been warned.

1. Watch Fantasia.

Now is not the time for this.

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2. Go to the grocery store.

You will leave at least $50 poorer, and with nothing that could constitute a meal.

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3. Try to figure out how to slice a pineapple.

The most impenetrable fruit of them all.

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4. Attempt to bake cookies.

This is the fun activity you envision.

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And this is what they’ll end up eating a pound and a half of and subsequently throwing up.

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5. Design the ultimate weapon to wield in the zombie apocalypse.

This is not effective. Two out of three are close range.

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6. Crack the mystery of human powered flight.

There are these things called planes. Just use those.

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7. Call your parents.

Your parents will not be amused when you ask if the wrinkles on Gam-Gam’s face denote her age like rings on trees.

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8. Try and pick your favorite nebula.

You think you might have seen evidence of a higher power, but you KNOW that you wasted the entire day.

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9. Improvise an air freshener so your nonsmoking roommates don’t get mad at you.

There are some things you can never unsmell.

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Wolverine knows what we’re talking about.

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10. Attempt to craft.

This will only end in tears and hot glue burns.

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11. Try and find that t-shirt you’re pretty sure the laundromat stole.

You’ll just end up wearing all your t-shirts at once.

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12. Find a place to nap undisturbed.

Just because you can’t see them, doesn’t mean they can’t see you.

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13. Visit any site with endless scrolling.

This is the rabbit hole. Do not go down it.

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14. Try and figure out what this GIF is charting.

The elasticity of boobies* over time.

(*AKA the movement of wheels on a steam engine train)

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15. Untangle your jewelry.

You’ll get halfway through before you realize that it’s actually all one necklace.

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16. Put your iTunes on shuffle.

Nothing will fuck with your zen more than your rage-y work out music.

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17. Shop for anything vintage on Etsy.

Worst $78 + shipping you’ll ever spend. Just because they’re from the 1920’s and ‘lovingly restored’ doesn’t mean they’re classy.

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18. Dress your pet up in costumes.

They will plan your death. Also this should be a life rule.

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19. Look at pictures of coral.

Like a million tiny anuses, close up coral will make your skin crawl.

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20. Operate light machinery.

That extra zero makes a lot of difference.

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21. Use photoshop.

Don’t make the internet any darker than it already is.

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22. Join a food of the month club.


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23. Take pictures for your online dating profile.


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24. Sell your shitty broken stuff to make more weed money.

You can’t just add the word upcycled in front of things to make them worth money.

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25. Go to the petting zoo.

We all know how this ends.

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26. Watch the episode of “Futurama” where Seymour dies waiting for Fry to come home.

That episode destroys sober me, I can’t imagine what it would do to high me.

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27. And finally: Respond to work emails.

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Everyone will have a reason to cry.

Love, BuzzFeed

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