1. The Drinker
It is a miracle that The Drinker is still alive. On Wednesday, the boozing begins. It starts casually—a shared Instagram of an artsy looking Martini—then spirals from there. Come Sunday, The Drinker will experience the “Sunday Scaries” and spend their day anxiously waiting for the friend that lacks discretion to add those pictures of The Drinker riding a mechanical bull.
2. The Politician
We all know them, and we all kind of hate them. The politician is constantly sharing political articles and cartoons from news outlets (Fox News if they are a Republican). The Politician posts statuses at least 5 times a day and gets de-friended at least once a week.
3. The Selfie-Absorbed
It’s kind of weird that posting beautiful pictures of yourself—that you took yourself—is now a thing. We’ve all done it. But for The Selfie-Absorbed, they take it to a new level. They selfie themselves drinking coffee or with the “just woke up” caption and perfect bedroom eyes. Oh hold on, let me just take my retainers out before I start selfie-ing in the morning.
4. The Couple
Though they have their own separate Facebook accounts, they might as well complete the final stage of symbiosis and merge to one. The Couple constantly writes on each other’s walls and posts statuses with “milestones” in their relationship (OMG my “bae” made me oatmeal this morning). The Couple has taken some pretty weird pictures together. We will never un-see those vacation beach pics they took, and we will always sympathize with the stranger that took them.
5. The Promoter
Did you hear about dollar drafts at that new bar? We did. Thirty times. The promoter uses their Facebook for business. They post poorly designed flyers with eye-burning colors and statuses that include lots of exclamation points and stars.
6. The Play-by-Play
We know way too much about The Play-by-Play. We know everything from their breakfast of choice, to what book they are reading before they go to bed. The Play-by-Play uses Facebook like we used it before we knew Twitter existed.
7. The Old Person
There is something so sad, yet so entertaining, about The Old Person’s Facebook. They make a status when they are trying to write on your wall, and when they finally get there, they write like it’s an email. They comment on pictures the first thing that comes to their mind and use excessive amounts of ellipses.
Undisclosed Old Relative : Kirsten….. hi. Who is this boy? ….. Let’s talk. xx
Me: deletes comment on picture of me with boy
8. The Greek
50% of the time The Greek’s profile picture is an ad for some bake sale/mixer, and 20% of the time it’s of their whole house wearing pastels. For girls, the remaining 30% of the time they showcase their sorority hip-pop with their fav sista, while the boys are probably wearing ray bans and holding beer(s).
9. The Do-Gooder
While you were spending your Sunday hungover, The Do-Gooder ran a 5k for diabetes, volunteered at a nursing home, and uploaded a picture of them feeding an impoverished child.
10. The Traveler
The Traveler is either A) studying abroad and will proceed to upload 385 photos over the next four months, or B) a runaway with a bad case of wanderlust that has led them to take up hobbies such as: free climbing, skydiving, and whatever that thing is when people walk on a low tight-rope in parks.
11. The Baby Mama
We are not really sure who The Baby Mama’s Facebook belongs to—the baby or the mama. Forget a baby book, The Baby Mama is documenting everything from the nastiness that was in her baby’s diaper to their first steps on Facebook.
12. The Fiancé
We saw every step of the love story unfold, from the long explanatory status about the proposal, to the close-up hand pictures of the ring. It’s a curious thing, but right after the engagement The Fiancé started taking awkwardly positioned hand photos that just so happened to display the rock on their finger.
13. The Boy/Girl Who Cried Wolf
Wow, the Boy/Girl Who Cried Wolf cannot catch a break. And they want to let the whole world know. Whether it is a flat tire, a cheating ex, or a piece of fruit gone bad — it is the worst day ever for The Boy/Girl Who Cried Wolf.
14. The Fitness Fanatic
Ugh, I can barely look at their Facebook as I take a pizza to the face by myself while watching re-runs of The Office. The Fitness Fanatic’s Facebook is linked to map-my-run, they are constantly uploading pictures of “green juice,” selfies at the gym, and they make you re-evaluate your life as you swallow each self-loathing bite.
15. The Sports Blogger
I sincerely thank The Sports Blogger for being my main news outlet when a sports game is on. They are updating their status constantly with a play-by-play of the game and inserting their “expert” opinion and predictions into each post.
16. The Foodie
When The Foodie posts, our mouths water and we restrain ourselves from inviting ourselves over via Facebook chat. The Foodie has an art for not only cooking, but also for choosing filters that make you want to die in a beautiful food-coma cloud.
17. The Hacked
The Hacked is the type of person whose password is 1234 and leaves themselves logged on in The Apple Store. The Hacked is constantly posting gross statuses about STDs and bowel movements. LOG OFF OF FACEBOOK when you are done, people!
18. The Perfect One
They have the job, significant other, and hair that you want. They are the person that you probably don’t really talk to but always stalk because living vicariously through them is a little fun in a sad way.
19. The EDM-er
Like The Drinker, we always marvel at how The EDM-er has survived for so long. They are constantly raving and rocking and rolling (literally). According to Facebook, The EDM-er’s wardrobe consists of strictly neon colors, and they are sweaty in most of their pictures. We get tired from even looking at how many events they attended in the past month.
20. The Creep
Didn’t know people still used poking on Facebook? Yep, The Creep sure does. The Creep is probably someone you haven’t talked to in 7+ years, but they are constantly liking or commenting on your pictures and posts…just to remind you they are there, watching.
21. The Teacher
When I was younger, I thought there was some confidentiality clause that said teachers couldn’t talk about students written in stone somewhere, the 11th commandment, if you will. However, after being friends with The Teacher on Facebook, my childhood trust is crushed. They are posting the cute/stupid/and funny shit their students do, sometimes with pictures for added effect.
22. The Meteorologist
If you live in a cave or never leave your house/look out your window, The Meteorologist is your best friend. A light dusting of snow? The Meteorologist has pictures to prove it. Beautiful day for a walk? The Meteorologist already made a status about it. The Meteorologist doesn’t quite predict the weather, but they sure do follow it.
23. The Cat/Dog Person
The Cat/Dog Person’s Facebook is very similar to The Baby Mama’s in several ways. Their animal is their pride and joy, and they probably like that animal more than they like most people.
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