1. The Mom
She holds your purse—and if necessary—your hair, while you throw up. If someone gets lost, Mom is on the case. She will kick down the stall door in the men’s room. She will ask every bouncer, bartender, and bystander until your lost friend is found. While everyone else forgets their money, keys, and dignity, The Mom has all of that and then some. The Mom knows how to have a good time, and how to hold her liquor. The Mom will definitely get down on the dance floor, similar to how your real Mom did that time she drank too much on Christmas Eve.
2. The Disappearing Act
They are The Mom’s worst nightmare. Actually, they are pretty much everyone’s worst nightmare. You were just with them, but when you turn around they are gone. Maybe they went to a dark corner to make out with that foreign man they were talking to, or maybe they are meeting new friends in the bathroom—you just never know with them. You text, call, and send out carrier pigeons to try and find The Disappearing Act, but nothing can tame this wild horse. At the end of the night/the next day/whenever they decide to re-enter your life, they act nonchalant and ignore the Amber Alert you considered putting out.
3. The Flirt
The Flirt is fun to go out with. She loves to dance and party, but will leave you to dance with her guy’s balding best friend in a second. The Flirt walks into the bar and pretends to listen and laugh at what you’re saying while she scans the bar for a cute boy. For The Flirt, a night isn’t successful unless they: get a number, are told they are pretty 7+ times, or have 3+ drinks bought for them. Also, keep the boy you like on the other side of the bar, by nature she is Mrs.Steal Yo’ Guy.
4. The Wet Blanket
The Wet Blanket was on the fence about going out that night, and they probably should have stayed on the other side of that fence. The Wet Blanket didn’t get drunk enough and is too aware of how bad beer breath smells, and how little you care about boundaries while drunk (she won’t even share a bathroom stall with you).
5. The Fighter
The Fighter came to brawl. Two drinks in, and The Fighter starts to develop an accent similar to one you would see in The Town. Did that girl just elbow you? Which one was she? The Fighter loves confrontation and is ready to defend your honor at the drop of the hat—literally; did that girl knock your hat off your head? Despite The Fighter’s brawling attitude, usually they are all bark and no bite. Typically, The Fighter weighs in at a whooping 135 pounds, and is blonde girl that went to prep school.
6. The Suga-Mama
We all love going out with The Suga-Mama. Maybe The Suga-Mama has her parent’s credit card, or maybe just a profitable job (unlike us). A night out with Suga-Mama is a real treat. Instead of walking to the bar like a baby giraffe in heels, Suga-Mama will buy a cab! Instead of sneaking a nip of vodka in your shirt and downing it in the bathroom, Suga-Mama bought everyone a round! What’s that you say? You’re hungry but don’t want to buy food? Suga-Mama is buying pizza! There is a God! And her name is Suga-Mama!
7. The Hungry One
Nothing is worse than drunchies. But also, nothing is better than satisfying those drunchies. The Hungry One is having a great time; but mention going to that 24-hour joint and The Hungry One’s thoughts are consumed by images of warm pizza and a juicy burger. It doesn’t matter if The Hungry One is talking to someone and they seem to be hitting it off; The Hungry One knows nothing fills an emotional void like Domino’s at 2am.
8. The Lord of The Dance
The Lord of The Dance came for one reason, and one reason only: to dance. She started warming up during your pre-game. You could tell she had little to no interest in that drinking game you were trying to play as she kept turning Ke$ha up. The Lord of The Dance gets to the bar and goes straight to the dance floor. The Lord of The Dance is uninterested in bars without “good music,” and you can tell she’s really leaving it all on the floor once her hair goes in that pony-tail.
9. The Destroyer
The Destroyer is a hurricane. The Destroyer seems to have a real issue understanding their own strength, and also finding a center of gravity. It’s hard to keep track of just how drunk The Destroyer is because they have dropped 50% of their drinks on the floor, and spilled the other 50% on themselves.
10. The Philosopher
The Philosopher really starts to contemplate the meaning of life after a couple of drinks. Why are we here? Is this all a waste of time? Is this a dream? What are we going to do with our lives? The Philosopher wants to hear your hopes, dreams, and theories; but more than that, they want to tell you theirs. The Philosopher will settle in at the quietest place near the bar and find a person to debate politics, religion, and Michael Jackson’s race with for hours.
11. The Self-Esteem Booster
Everyone loves The Self Esteem-Booster. The Self-Esteem Booster thrives in the bathroom scene at the bar. She compliments friends and strangers alike, and usually goes home with about 3 different girls numbers that she met. If you are lucky enough to be The Self-Esteem Booster’s best friend, you get a special boost and leave that bathroom feeling like Beyonce at the Grammys.
12. The One That Doesn’t Sleep
This little energizer bunny wants to rock and roll all night. When the bar closes they are in hot pursuit of the next event; whether it be food, an after-party, or running around the street for two more hours. When everyone starts to sink into their seats at home after the bar, this person keeps drinking and suggesting games to play, or places to go.
13. The Fully-Functioning Drunk
The Fully-Functioning Drunk is a rare and somewhat scary breed. You watch them throw shots back with the best of em’ all night, and marvel out how composed they are, or how they still manage to give the cabbie directions back to your house. The Fully-Functioning Drunk is the master of the drink, as they watch in pity as the other commoners stuggle to hold their liquor.
14. The Amnesia Patient
They walk out the door and realize they have to use the bathroom. They get to the bouncer and realize they forgot their license. They arrive at their front door and realize they forgot their keys. They get to brunch and realize their debit card is still at the bar. They step onto the pavement and realize they are still wearing slippers. If you can think of it—they definitely can’t—and have forgot it. The Amnesia Patient can be a great time to go out with—once they get their shit together. The Amnesia Patient is best paired with The Mom, who has the check-list of things The Amnesia Patient will forget.
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