1. Oooooh this card looks like it has money in it!
2. OH FUCK NO.
3. NOT TODAY. NOT TODAY.
4. How could something so terrifying come in such a beautiful envelope?
5. God. When did these two meet?
6. Oh. Right. They've been together for five years. Great.
7. I guess they met back when it was easy for people to actually MEET PEOPLE.
8. I guess I'm happy for them.
9. What is this picture though?
10. Like, no one runs around in a field making their hands into the shape of a heart IRL.
11. I think I'll just make my wedding invite a disgustingly real depiction of my future relationship.
12. Like one of us will be on the toilet while the other brushes their teeth.
13. I mean, that is if I ever get married.
14. Like, if I don't die alone.
15. Or choke on something in my apartment and have no one around to save me.
16. Do I need a plus-one? What kind of question is that?
17. This wedding is in SIX MONTHS. I hope I need a plus-one by then...
18. But who knows.
19. Can I just say I need a plus-one and if I don't have someone to bring I'll eat both meals?
20. Is that how it works?
21. Why doesn't it say if there's an open bar or not?
22. This is information I really need to know before I commit to going.
23. And also a picture of the wedding party would be nice so I can see what my potential prospects are.
24. That is, if I'm not in this hypothetical committed relationship that I need a plus-one for.
25. Oh boy, it's a summer wedding too.
26. I can already feel myself sweating though my dress.
27. But you know what, this wedding is going to be fun.
28. Weddings aren't that bad.
29. I mean sure, there's the brief moment where you wonder if you'll ever find happiness when they say their vows.
30. But there's also alcohol!
31. And well-dressed hookup prospects!
32. And food!
33. And dancing!
34. And more alcohol!
35. All right I'm just gonna check "attending" and not put down a plus-one.
36. I think if I put down a plus-one, I might jinx myself.
37. It would be like shaving before a first date.
38. Everyone knows you get laid when you don't expect it (and have a prickly mess on your legs).
39. You know what, I'm happy about this wedding.
40. I'm happy for them.
41. They are kinda cute, too.
42. Like, for gross people who are in love, they're OK.
43. Hell, maybe I'll be the cheesy one taking pictures making shadow-puppet hearts in a field someday.
44. But like, for now I'm cracking open a bottle of wine.
*starts chugging*