The Stages Of Starting A New Group Fitness Class

The thought process amongst all of us who aren’t Gwyneth Paltrow.

1. Two hours before class…

Texting at least three friends to tell them about the new class you s̶a̶w̶ ̶o̶n̶ ̶a̶n̶ ̶E̶!̶ ̶c̶h̶a̶n̶n̶e̶l̶ ̶r̶e̶a̶l̶i̶t̶y̶ ̶s̶h̶o̶w̶ found that has amaze Yelp reviews.
“I hear it burns like, 1,000 calories an hour, guys”.

2. Arrival apprehension.

This is dumb. Why am I here? All of these girls have been doing this for weeks. I’ll just stand in the back so I can follow everyone else’s lead. Or wait, maybe I better stand front and center so I can watch the instructor with an awkward level of intensity.

3. Oh crap, I’m wearing short shorts and everyone else is in yoga pants, FML.

Is that why the one girl keeps staring at me?

4. The internal mantra of the warm-up…

“channel my inner Tracy Anderson….channel my inner Tracy Anderson…..”

5. Wait a second, I actually kind of have this down…. Like, owning it.

6. Not to humblebrag or anything, but I think I’m totes doing better than like, all the class regulars.

…even the girl I chatted with 5 minutes before class started who assured me that “even though the first class takes some getting used to, I’ll totally get the hang of it soon”. I guess some people are just naturals.

7. #Conquering. Imma come back tomorrow and the next day…

…actually, I’ll just go ahead and buy the 10 class pass.

8. If I keep this up, maybe I can start teaching my own class in six months.

#SecondIncomeBitches

9. But then the instructor lets everyone know that the warm-up is now complete and we are ready to begin the “actual workout.”

#ExcuseMeCanITalkToYouFoAMinute, I thought we had already reached the “cardio peak” that was mentioned in the class description…

10. Wait…how are there still 35 minutes left of this?

Maybe she started early.

11. Oh God, did I just pull a muscle?

Do I even have a muscle in that spot to pull? Is this why I had to sign that waiver?

12. I’m just gonna tone it down a bit, maybe just exert about 75% the rest of the hour.

It is my first class after all so I should probably make sure I don’t overdo it. If that happens then I can’t come back next time, due to injury. And that’s good for no one.

13. Ummm….how is the senior citizen in the third row doing better than all of us?

Sweet fancy Jesus.

14. Finally, time for the cool down. (The part where you begin mastering the moves again because you are literally just standing there stretching your quads to a popular adult-contemporary slow jam).

AKA immediate amnesia of the last solid 10 minutes where I looked like a baby fawn attempting to stand for the first time.

15. Two days later, when next class is starting, this is you:

Shoot, its already 6:05pm, guess there is no way I can make it now. I heard traffic is going to be out of control this evening anyway. No worries, there is a new underwater trampoline aerobics class I’m totally gonna check out next week.

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