What 16 Normal Things Look Like When You’re Drunk

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1. “Oh, this will just take a second,” says sober you.

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“I CAN’T GET IT…TECHNOLOGY?!” drunk you screams into your phone, waiting for an answer.

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2. “How convenient, a taxi!” says sober you.

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“THANK YOU, MAGICAL CHARIOT MADE JUST FOR ME!” drunk you screeches into the cabbie’s ear.

3. “Pizza is such a satisfying treat,” says sober you.

“THIS IS THE BEST MEAL OF MY WHOLE LIFE EVER!” drunk you cries into the night, shedding a single tear.

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4. “Oh, look, some barstools,” says sober you.

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“LOOK, A BED!” whispers drunk you.

5. “Oh, look, the sidewalk,” says sober you.

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“LOOK, A BED!” whispers drunk you.

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6. “Oh, look, a toilet,” says sober you.

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“LOOK, A BED!” whispers drunk you.

7. “Man, I don’t like taking the stairs,” says sober you.

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“BRING ME MY CARABINER!” drunk you demands of the empty lobby.

8. “What a helpful map,” says sober you.

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“WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?” drunk you screams, and throws the confusing paper away.

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9. “Hello, kitty, I missed you,” says sober you.

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“WHAT AM I EVEN DOING WITH MY LIFE, KITTY?” drunk you weeps.

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10. “Looks like I better tie my shoes,” says sober you.

“MAYBE IF I HAD A MILLION FINGERS THEN OK,” drunk you yells at your shoelaces.

11. “Time to calculate a 20% tip before I head home,” says sober you.

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“CAN’T MATH, HERE YOU GO!” drunk you says and throws some cash.

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12. “I’ve been sitting for a while, I should walk around,” says sober you.

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“WHY SO MUCH GRAVITY?” drunk you cries mid-collapse.

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13. “I better reapply my makeup,” says sober you.

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“THIS WILL NOT END WELL,” drunk you says to the bathroom mirror.

14. “Ew, look at those communal bar peanuts,” says sober you.

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“YOU TINY MIRACLES, COME TO ME,” drunk you cries through a mouthful of communal bar peanuts.

15. “Man, I can’t wait to get these uncomfortable shoes off when I get home,” says sober you.

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“GOODBYE!” you call back to your abandoned heels.

16. “Oops, I spilled my drink, let me grab some napkins,” says sober you.

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“IT WAS MORE THAN HALF FULL NOOOOOOO!” drunk you screams to the unfeeling sky.

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