75 Thoughts Everyone Has When They Watch The First Episode Of “Sherlock”

Did he just say his name is Microsoft?

1. Did I accidentally put on Saving Private Ryan?
2. Oh nope, there’s Martin Freeman.
3. I like that minimalist apartment — oh, he’s depressed.
4. A blog? There’s going to be blogging?
5. #BilboBlog! Maybe I’ll make that Tumblr…
6. Is that Tumblr taken?
7. NOPE, MINE.
8. No one could dry-swallow a pill that big.
9. Where’s Sherlock?

10. My, people die quickly in this show.
11. How can you send a mass text that big? I think the limit is 10 numbers.
12. I hate mass texts, so many responses — wow, that guy looks like British Bruce Willis.
13. Mike Stamford’s tie looks like a pack of Fruit Stripe gum.
14. WHERE IS SHERLOCK?
15. Oh, that must be Sherlock.
16. Good Lord, he’s a dick.
17. Why is he such a dick?
18. How did he know John was a soldier — how does, what?
19. FRUIT STRIPE TIE.

20. What, he — wait, how did he — John’s brother is an alcoholic — wait — riding crop.
21. Yep. That’s Sherlock.
22. I think I’m in love.
23. But he’s such a dick.
24. But I love him.
25. Do I have daddy issues?
26. Maybe I should go to therapy.
27. Or start a blog? I’m registering BilboBlog now.
28. That longhorn skull is wearing headphones.
29. Did he just liken murders to Christmas? (I love him so much.)

30. I need to move to London.
31. I could totally find a job in London.
32. I wish my life was set to this music score.
33. OH SHIT, DID JOHN JUST CALL SHERLOCK AN AMATEUR?
34. Ok, so this is how — how he knows all that stuff about people — I, wow.
35. That. Was. Amazing.
36. My mind is exploding.
37. My mind has exploded.
38. Haha, Harriet.
39. He might legit be a psychopath. (I love him so much.)
40. “SCRUBBED YOUR FLOOR.” Drop that mic.
41. That is one seriously color-coordinated corpse.
42. Anderson looks like Snape’s fraternal twin.

43. Wait, can you actually call a pay phone? I should Google that.
44. Oh, you can.
45. This is like that movie about the phone booth, what was it called? I should Google that.
46. Oh, Phone Booth.
47. Is that hot chick live-tweeting this car ride?
48. Sherlock’s arch enemy, this must be Moriarty.
49. No one twirls an umbrella that sinisterly unless he’s Moriarty, this is 100% Moriarty.
50. Oof, Sherlock, I have never seen anyone put a scarf on so flawlessly.
51. OH, TO BE THAT SCARF.
52. Wait, is Sherlock gay?
53. He does know how to wear a scarf.
54. OH, TO BE THAT SCARF.

55. How does Sherlock make money?
56. OH MY GOD IT’S A CAB DRIVER.
57. IT MAKES SO MUCH SENSE.
58. What a homely serial killer.
59. Do not get in the cab.
60. Call the police, they’re right upstairs.
61. OH, COME ON.
62. Sherlock’s skin is flawless.
63. Sherlock’s cheekbones are flawless.
64. I should pay closer attention to the plot.

65. MORIARTY. CALLED IT.
66. Did he just say his name is Microsoft?
67. Alright, fine, didn’t exactly call it.
68. Never has there ever been a more perfect slow-mo exit.
69. This must be what finding religion feels like.
70. I officially have a new religion. Onto the next episode!
71. THERE ARE ONLY THREE EPISODES PER SEASON?!
72. I have to pace myself. I’ll wait until tomorrow to watch the next one.
73. Yep, tomorrow.
74. Just gonna go do something else now.
75. Nope, “Blind Banker,” here we go.

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