1. We’ve only explored 5% of the ocean, and the other 95% is mostly terrifying, huge, mysterious squids.
2. LOOK AT THIS THING.
3. WHO NEEDS THAT MANY ARMS?
No one that can be trusted, that’s who.
4. The giant squid and colossal squid have the largest eyes in the Animal Kingdom, measuring in at around 10 inches in diameter.
Go get a ruler right now, and let that sink in.
5. That’s roughly as large as a beach ball.
So go ahead and avoid the ocean forever.
6. The vampire squid can turn itself INSIDE OUT.
INSIDE THE FUCK OUT.
7. Some species of squids have parrot-like beaks that are razor-sharp and can bite through bone.
They will literally grind your bones to make their squidbread.
8. The giant squid’s only known predator is the sperm whale (i.e. MOBY DICK).
The only thing that can kill a giant squid is longer than a school bus and weighs between 35 and 45 tons. Great.
9. And they are crafty. A giant squid hadn’t been caught on video in its natural habitat until 2012.
They’re too busy BEING REALLY SKETCHY.
10. If that giant squid on film had its tentacles fully extended, it would be as tall as a two-story house.
Two. Stories. Of. Squid.
11. BUT THE COLOSSAL SQUID MIGHT BE EVEN BIGGER.
The colossal squid is believed to be the largest squid species, and can measure in at an estimated 46 feet. GOODBYE.
12. And its tentacles are covered in swiveling hooks.
I.E. HOOKS THAT MOVE WHEN YOU TRY TO ESCAPE.
13. Some kinds of squid can regenerate their tentacles over time.
We cannot beat them, because they are IMMORTAL LIMB-GROWERS.
14. And they must want revenge, BECAUSE WE EAT THEM.
WHY ARE WE PROVOKING THEM?
15. And they’re getting it. A South Korean woman’s cooked squid dinner tried to impregnate her mouth in 2012.
Which is basically the entire premise of the movie Alien, sooo.
16. We have trivialized their power.