2. And most of it is still unexplored. We don’t even know what’s down there.
ANYTHING COULD BE DOWN THERE.
3. EXCEPT FOR CRABS, LYING IN WAIT TO PINCH YOUR TOES AS YOU INNOCENTLY WALK BY.
4. AND, OH YEAH, SHARKS.
Go watch Jaws.
5. Going into the ocean is the equivalent of OFFERING YOURSELF UP AS SHARK FOOD.
6. And what else lives in the ocean? GIANT SQUIDS.
WAITING TO TOUCH YOU WITH THEIR TENTACLES.
7. The one thing we do know about the ocean for sure: It hates people.
9. Some people call them “waves” but they’re really just “passive-aggression.”
“HAHA, FCK U.”
10. The ocean loves nothing more than to fluctuate temperatures, just to mess with humans.
“Yesterday the water was 83 degrees and today it’s 0 DEGREES.”
11. And getting a drop of salty ocean water in your eyes? DEATH.
12. The beach is packed with people. And people cannot be trusted.
13. The sun lives at the beach, and the sun is horrible.
It burns you. It literally destroys your skin.
14. Spending one hour on a sunny beach can lead to one week of applying aloe and sleeping sitting up.
And, later, awkward tan lines.
15. The beach requires lugging around so many things that no one ever ends up using.
Beach balls, water floats, chairs, umbrellas, these are all POINTLESS THINGS.
16. No one ever really knows what to do once they get to the beach.
Maybe we’ll swim? Or just sit here?
17. But it doesn’t even matter what you do. The ocean is waiting to foil you.
“HAHA FCK U.”
It gets all over everything everywhere forever.
19. Beach parties.
Sand in your drink, sand in your food, sand everywhere forever.
20. Seagulls live at the beach, waiting for the opportune moment to fly by and poop on your food.
“EXTRA MAYO? HAHA.”
21. It’s impossible to take a flattering picture at the beach.
THE WIND, THE SAND.
22. You think the beach is romantic? The beach is not romantic.
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