1. Cramming a too-large piece of lettuce in your mouth.
2. Attempting to choke discreetly.
3. Dropping your fork and silently debating whether or not to keep using it.
I AM CONFLICTED INSIDE.
4. Realizing everyone is staring at your mouth because half of your dinner is stuck in your teeth.
TEETH ARE JUST NATURE’S DREAMCATCHERS, BUT FOR FOOD.
5. Cutting the first piece of cake.
DO I START FROM THE MIDDLE? IS THIS TOO BIG?
6. Taking the first piece of cake.
“GREEDY LARDBUCKET,” they said with their eyes.
7. Realizing too late that you need to wipe your mouth.
HAHA, ONE SEC.
8. Requesting a fork in a chopsticks-only restaurant.
I’LL LEARN SOMEDAY.
9. The Infinity Noodle.
It started off as a joke BUT NOW THE JOKE IS BECOMING A REALITY.
10. Attempting to take a slice of pizza but it’s still stuck to the slice next to it, so you pull too hard and ruin everything.
OH, CRUEL FATE.
11. Or you give up, take both slices, and then everyone thinks you’re fat.
12. Maintaining eye contact while you search for your straw.
13. Dorito dust, and the finger-licking that follows.
DOES ANYBODY HAVE A MOIST TOWELETTE?
14. Taking a gulp of water and accidentally swallowing an ice cube.
15. Having to sample the wine before it’s poured.
MMM, TASTES LIKE WINE.
16. Spilling just a little bit of water in your crotch, so it looks like you half-peed yourself.
IT’S WATER. DON’T LOOK AT ME.
17. Failing to squeeze out a silent burp.
I TRIED MY BEST.
18. Slurping an empty cocktail glass to get every last drop of alcohol.
I’M HELPING THE ENVIRONMENT.
19. Realizing you took way more food than anyone else at the potluck.
I DIDN’T EAT LUNCH.
20. Ordering something on the menu that you can’t pronounce.
B-O-U-I-L-L-A-B-A-I-S-S-E. This, I’m pointing at it on the menu, I want this.
21. Accidentally touching someone’s foot under the table.