Dear Diana,

A general explanation of my situation and feelings because I'm terrible at sharing them verbally:

So, basically, all I had to do was get a higher score in the Physics section, and I'm fairly sure I botched it. That section was horrible; I felt like everything I really studied wasn't in it. It will take a seriously merciful act-of-God for me to get the score I need.

However, after I left the testing site, I didn't feel especially torn up over this. I thought I would have started crying and been miserable, but instead, I just felt numb. It was like I couldn't care one way or another whether I got the right score or not. I've felt like that for the better part of the last 2 months - numb; like I'm not sure of what I'm doing.

I felt like nothing - medical school, learning the piano, painting - was really worth doing. It's only now that I feel okay again. Also, I think, in a way, I didn't care as much about the outcome of the test.

You see, for the past year, I've been living without something I've had since freshman year of high school: determination, drive to go the extra mile. I used to know what I was doing, I had a plan, and I had the determination to do whatever I had to to accomplish my plans. However, a year ago, I stopped caring so much. It was like I just burned out.

Also, I started to really notice all the negative things about being a doctor. I read memoirs and articles about doctors who said they didn't want their kids to become doctors. I read about people who wanted to be great doctors and really care for their patients as individuals; in the end, the system forced them to just treat as many diseases, but not people, as possible. I read about nurse practitioners and physician assistants who can do most of the same things a doctor can; it makes the hard work and sacrifice of becoming a doctor look a little pointless.I read about burned-out primary care doctors who were not happy.

Were not happy.

Happy.

That's what it all came down to for me.

I started to feel that I would just be incredibly unhappy if I did this. I would spend 4 years of my life in hell (a.k.a. medical school) and then 3 years in semi-hell (a.k.a. residency). All of that would be worth it if being a doctor in the U.S. wasn't becoming its own special circle of hell. I started to feel that if I kept on this path, I would just end up terribly unhappy and stressed.

It would be one of those things where you think it'll be okay and you'll power through it, but then it turns out badly, and you wished somebody would have warned you that realism would choke your plans.

I'd wanted to pursue a health-field career since my first year of high school. For seven years, I've been in love with this idea, and now, in the space of a year, I'd promptly fallen out of love. I don't know if it's temporary. I don't know if it's just my pessimistic attitude threatening to derail me. I don't know if I just scared myself out of it when I shouldn't have. Maybe I should go to medical school. Maybe I shouldn't go to medical school. I just don't know anymore.

However, this was what I had been working towards for YEARS. What else could I do? What else does a Biology degree prepare you for? Teaching? That sounds terrible, too. I felt that, even if my current path looked bad, I couldn't get off of it. I had been on it for too long. I couldn't just say, "Sorry, everyone in the FASTS program who's been counting on me to make it to medical school, I suddenly had a change of heart. I'm going to ditch the program and I have no back-up plan!"

But I don't think I'll have to say that to anyone anymore, because I am 99% sure that when the scores are released on Sunday, I won't have the score I need. Nevermind quitting; I'll get kicked out. I'll get a "we regret to inform you" letter from the FASTS program. My fellow FASTS premeds will be shocked and pitying. All the pre-meds I know will gossip about the program-student who didn't get the right MCAT score. I'll be the story Dr. Jones tells people when he needs to scare them into studying for the MCAT.

Honestly, the hardest part has been feeling directionless. For so long, I knew where I was going. I had a plan. And now I don't. Being that directionless and having your plans crushed is really stressful. I have no idea where I'm going, where I'll work, if I'll ever get out of the valley, what's going to happen, or what my next real goal will be.

Part of me feels like I completely wasted the last 7+ years of my life. So much of it was focused on this path that I'm not on anymore (All those medical memoirs I read. My scrubs Christmas ornament. Keeping up with kevindmd.com. Those summers in San Antonio. I have a doctor-piggybank, for goodness' sake!). What was the point?

I feel like I'll just live an empty "plan B" life, and nothing will ever seem as great as my original plan.

I hate the idea of being the one FASTS person who messed up. I feel like I'm disappointing everyone. My already shaky self-esteem is practically non-existent, and I can't help but feel that the FASTS program made a mistake and regrets accepting me and spending so much time/effort on me.

However, I'd be even more unhappy if I spent more time on the wrong path. Then again, I don't know if I'm going to change my mind and start feeling like it was the right path all along. Again, directionless.

I had planned on getting an MD/MPH, but now I'm just focusing on the MPH. There's a school of public health in Brownsville. I guess I'll reapply to medical school next year if I have a change of heart about everything, but if I'm not accepted, I'll just get my MPH and . . . do . . . something. I don't really know anymore.

I'm going to miss everyone in the FASTS program. That cohort was really great. It's like the FASTS program formed a group of super-concentrated, swell people. I was happy to be one of them while it lasted, but now I'm going to miss them.

I'm going to miss the opportunity to live in San Antonio with you and Alice and Alice's snobby cat (who I'm sure means well).

I'm going to feel bad about all the wasted effort the FASTS program put into me. I feel like I let them down or broke a promise.

Despite all of these negative feelings and my worries, I know that, ultimately, it's okay.

For the most part, I do feel okay with this. I'm not torn up over the idea of not going to medical school because I'm not sure if it's what I should do anymore. I'm not too worried about the future because I know God's got it covered. I don't feel bad about getting an MPH because I've been planning to get one for the past two years. I used to be worried about what all the UTPA pre-meds would think, but I don't care anymore.

There's that verse, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths." I'm just trusting God to direct my paths at this point. I don't know where I'm going, but I know He'll show me sooner or later (even though I wish it was sooner).

Maybe I shouldn't go to medical school. Maybe I shouldn't go this year. Maybe there's something better to do somewhere else. I don't know. But God does, and I'm just trusting Him to lead me to wherever it's best for me to be.

Yep. So that's what's going on with me. What has been going on with me for some time. It's hard to tell people about it. It's hard to say it without sounding like a failure. It's hard to say it without feeling like you're going to disappoint people.

Having your life/plans/hopes/confidence chewed up and spit out for so long is an emotionally exhausting process. At this point, I just want to be happy again, and I don't know if medical school or an MPH or a completely different path is going to get me to that point. We'll see what happens.

Anyhoo, I was going to tell you all of this eventually, but it's hard to say everything out-loud, so a gif/list format seemed better.

Sincerely,

Kaysey A.

P.S. While searching for gifs, I found a bunch of Supernatural ones. Enjoy! :D

:D

:)

Seems legit.

Too true.

:D

This is the last one, I promise.