THANK YOU BUZZFEED READERS FOR REAFFIRMING MY LIFETIME CRUSH ON JEFF GOLDBLUM, AKA numero uno on my celeb bone list. I typically get responses of “Ew, that weirdo?” “YES, I WISH TO FUCK THAT WEIRDO.”

Robby Benson: HUMINA HUMINA, AHOOOOOGAH.

YES YES YES YES YES. I hear Will Forte has free time now!

Do actual North Carolinians never go to The Outer Banks? Awful Arthur’s in Kill Devil Hills is absolutely my favorite place in the universe.

ExtraTERRORestrial Alien Encounter was fucking terrifying and don’t you say different. As an extremely claustrophobic child, being strapped down, sitting in the dark, and thinking you were going to get attacked by an alien for 10 minutes was the worst time of my whole life.

My birthday is May 15th. I missed it by ONE DAY.

I live in Columbus, Ohio (Where A&F is headquartered) and everyone I know has seen this asshole around town. He has a live-in boyfriend I guess, but is notorious for being DISGUSTING and ordering his personal assistants to dress in nothing but boxer shorts and flip flops. The entire brand is based off a middle aged man’s horniness for 20 year old guys. Nobody here is surprised at the recent backlash. I wish Les Wexner’s minions would just kick him out of New Albany already.

Oh my God, please please please never do any of these.

This is a terrible situation (and right in my backyard, too). I can’t imagine what horrors those women went through, but GOOD GOD, Charles, you are a light in my heart. Keep on, keepin’ on.