The Only Rule About Having Sex With A Flashlight

Don’t tweet about it.

The best part about brand engagement on social media is that everyone can see what weirdos are complaining about to various companies. Everyone sounds silly when complaining over the internet, but it’s even funnier if they’re doing it to a company that’s, well, a little embarrassing.

While it’s amusing to see what kind of complaints people are making to Pizza Hut or Delta, the specific nature of the Fleshlight (the adult toy for men that discretely looks like a flashlight) elevates tweets from the absurd to the sublime. To track these, I added in a separate column in Tweetdeck of all the replies to @Fleshlight, and I’ve been watching these for months. What I noticed is that they typically call into three main categories:

@Fleshlight Why aren't your products for sale on Ebay or Amazon? I don't like ordering from other websites.

— TheStanCave (@Stan Johnson)

@Fleshlight so can I get some support? Otherwise I want a refund because this crap is ripping up after like 2 uses.

— High_Voltage420 (@Mary Jane)

@Fleshlight can you let me know if what I am experiencing is a defect and if it's worth contacting customer support.

— High_Voltage420 (@Mary Jane)

@Fleshlight alright. I'm just disappointed because these things have a lot of hype and I think mine has a defect. Any help?

— High_Voltage420 (@Mary Jane)

@Fleshlight does your product actually contain or produce any type of light? i feel like your name is intentionally misleading

— purgatos (@Writhing Mass)

@fleshlight sponsor me and send me a fleshlight

— oh_sh1t (@Scotch Bingington )

@Fleshlight yeah u guys think u could send me a new one? I mean my first one. 😜

— robpatterson666 (@rob patterson)

@fleshlight would you like to hook a brotha up?

— RamonGenesis (@Ramon Reyes IV)

@Fleshlight how does one become a promoter of your product (like Joe Rogan) - we'd love to promote it on our show and site.

— TheRawNerveShow (@The Raw Nerve Show)

@Fleshlight need any testers lol

— atxguy11 (@Christopher )

@fleshlight sponsor me. kthx

— NDfuckingIrish (@Dr. Lee, PhD)

@Fleshlight how can I become a quality control specialist????

— Wally310 (@Wally)

@Fleshlight what midget do I have to kill to win a fleshlight.

— KGirouex (@Kevin)

@Fleshlight Today is my 29th Birthday!! I'd love to see #HappyBirthdayBrandonWilson trend today!!

— BRW_549 (@Brandon R. Wilson™)

@Fleshlight we want a @danadearmond fleshlight!

— DerekTopTier (@Derek )

@Fleshlight I can't wait! I hope a @OMGitsLexi fleshlight is in the works too

— stimulatedmale (@Overstimulated Male)

@Fleshlight y'all asked not long ago about who in mainstream we'd want a fleshlight of, my vote is for @katyperry. Bet she'd be fun

— dickfittswell (@Dick Fittswell)

@Fleshlight When are you guys gonna stop making fleshlights modeled after skinny bitches and blue people to make us a Roseanne Barr model?

— buttplumber (@chris donahue)

When big name manufactures such as @Fleshlight @FleshlightEU take the time to talk to you it really does make all the difference, amazing x

— Hellkat83 (@hellkat)

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Katie Notopoulos is a senior editor for BuzzFeed News and is based in New York. Notopoulos writes about the intersection of tech and web culture.
Contact Katie Notopoulos at
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