thanksgiving

37 Reasons Why Thanksgiving Sucks

We all have something to be grateful for, but it’s not gross food.

1. First of all, if turkey was actually good, we’d make it all year round

It’s basically just gross chicken that’s more of a pain in the butt to cook.

2. Seriously, the food is basically the same as from the 1800s, why would you think it would be good?

It’s not like we wash it down with some mutton and meade.

3. Pumpkin pie isn’t even really a dessert, it’s like a vegetable masquerading as a pie

If pumpkin pie were actually a good dessert and not a niche holiday item, we’d eat it all year round.

4. Guess what? Stuffing is just gross meatbread.

5. There’s no good Thanksgiving Day movies

Other than Planes, Trains, and Automobiles, that is.

6. THIS is what we have to work with for Thanksgiving songs:

7. Yeah, I know, but don’t encourage him.

Jk, I love the Sandman, I’d listen or watch anything he does, ever, ever, ever.

8. Candied yams? What the fuck even IS this?

I know I keep saying this, but if this slop was “good”, why do we only eat it once a year?

9. Green bean casserole is a mushy green lie

You can’t try to hide the fact that there’s gross green beans by covering it in high fat cream and fried stuff, but it’s still nasty.

10. French’s monopolistic stranglehold on the fried onion market

It’s the only brand in stores!

11. Your fridge looks like this:

12. Oh yeah, it’s not like that gross food isn’t binding or anything either

13. Football. So. Much. Football.

I can tolerate a little but UGH, ALL DAY.

14. Also, is this all about a sort of sad chapter in our nation’s history?

Hipsters appropriating native American dress ironically (Not Cool, dudes, Not Cool.)

15. No one gets laid on Thanksgiving.

You’re stuffed of gross food, you’re with your parents, you’re gassy. There’s nothing sexy about any of this.

16. Having to bring your suitcase on the subway so you can leave straight from work

17. You end up watching the WORST performers in the Macy’s Day Parade

This year? Cody Simpson performs on a float. Who’s that, you ask? He’s been opening for Justin Bieber. Yeah.

18. Seeing all your friends from high school awkwardly

The Choom Gang getting back together.

19. Meeting your high school buddies at a bar and your mom has to drop you off:

20. Need to grab that thing you forgot grocery store? Have fun on Thursday morning.

21. Tossing the football with your little cousin who is suddenly really good and throws hard

22. When your family has to pass around the phone to talk to the relative who couldn’t make it

23. Dad interrogating you on your “plans for the future”

24. Meeting your boyfriend or girlfriend’s parents for the first time

25. Next year, when they ask you all about why you two kids broke up

26. Crowded airports

27. Crowded train stations

29. Getting stuck at the kids table even though you graduated college

30. Your mom yelling at you for not using a coaster

31. Your aunt’s cat giving you allergies

32. Everyone in your family needs tech support

33. Having to explain AGAIN to your family that you’re a vegetarian

34. Discovering your parents have turned on you:

35. Having to blow your nose with the fancy cloth napkins

36. Having to do the dishes afterwards

37. Jello. Salad. What sick sick person invented this?

Well, at least there’s plenty of this

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