1. First of all, if turkey was actually good, we’d make it all year round
It’s basically just gross chicken that’s more of a pain in the butt to cook.
2. Seriously, the food is basically the same as from the 1800s, why would you think it would be good?
It’s not like we wash it down with some mutton and meade.
3. Pumpkin pie isn’t even really a dessert, it’s like a vegetable masquerading as a pie
If pumpkin pie were actually a good dessert and not a niche holiday item, we’d eat it all year round.
5. There’s no good Thanksgiving Day movies
Other than Planes, Trains, and Automobiles, that is.
6. THIS is what we have to work with for Thanksgiving songs:
7. Yeah, I know, but don’t encourage him.
Jk, I love the Sandman, I’d listen or watch anything he does, ever, ever, ever.
8. Candied yams? What the fuck even IS this?
I know I keep saying this, but if this slop was “good”, why do we only eat it once a year?
9. Green bean casserole is a mushy green lie
You can’t try to hide the fact that there’s gross green beans by covering it in high fat cream and fried stuff, but it’s still nasty.
10. French’s monopolistic stranglehold on the fried onion market
It’s the only brand in stores!
12. Oh yeah, it’s not like that gross food isn’t binding or anything either
13. Football. So. Much. Football.
I can tolerate a little but UGH, ALL DAY.
14. Also, is this all about a sort of sad chapter in our nation’s history?
Hipsters appropriating native American dress ironically (Not Cool, dudes, Not Cool.)
15. No one gets laid on Thanksgiving.
You’re stuffed of gross food, you’re with your parents, you’re gassy. There’s nothing sexy about any of this.
16. Having to bring your suitcase on the subway so you can leave straight from work
17. You end up watching the WORST performers in the Macy’s Day Parade
This year? Cody Simpson performs on a float. Who’s that, you ask? He’s been opening for Justin Bieber. Yeah.
18. Seeing all your friends from high school awkwardly
The Choom Gang getting back together.