15. The McNugget Buddies
The McNugget Buddies would be cute, but they only ever want to hang out with each other. They’re basically TLC’s “Scrubs”; always hanging out the passenger side of their best friend’s ride.
A classic nice guy. Sweet and cuddly, but you wouldn’t ever want to take it to the next level. Friendzoneworthy, not boneworthy.
13. The Apple Pie Tree
Trees are not hot, even if they give out pies.
12. The Professor
The Professor would be dead last in terms of hotness if it wasn’t for the fact he’s one of the only humanoid inhabitants of McDonaldland. Ownership of some sort of human genitalia gives him a few extra points.
Birdie has a cute girl-next-door vibe, but zero sex appeal.
10. Iam Hungry
Iam is the “vice president of snacking”. Who knew! He’s not attractive at all, but almost certainly a genuine freak in the sheets. Look at at that tongue.
9. Mayor McCheese
His power is sexy, but he’s a little uptight. On the plus side: look at those buns (sorry).
8. The Fry Guys
Shy hipsters in Converse hi-tops. Intriguing at first, but eventually you discover it’s not just that they’re the silent type; they don’t really have opinions of their own.
6. Captain Crook
Finally, a man who knows how to dress. Slightly older and refined. Sexy facial hair, but slightly ill-advised earring.
Actually owns a suit. Look, I don’t ask for much.
Upside: At least 6 arms, suggesting intriguing possibilities.
Downside: CosMc lives on the moon; voiced by Whoopi Goldberg in the ads.
4. Ronald McDonald
Look at this slick fucker. Right now he’s on the phone telling some girl, “I’m so sorry I haven’t called, I’ve been out of town and then just, like, really busy but we should totally hang out sometime….”
Cute, but a cocky d-bag who thinks he’s hotter than he actually is.
2. Uncle O’Grimacey
Like any good uncle, this patron saint of the shamrock shake is the life of the party. He’s the kind of guy you don’t think is hot at first glance, but he’s so charismatic you find yourself drawn to him.