1. Right about now, everyone around you is THRILLED. “It’s finally summer!!!!!!!!” they scream. You, meanwhile, are filled with dread.
GTFO with those sun-dappled beach Instagrams. They are nothing but bad omens.
2. You’ve begun looking up 10-day forecasts, seeing a sea of 85-90°+ days ahead of you, and wondering how you will survive.
Dew points of 70°F??? Lolololol kill me literally this second.
3. Clothes-wise, you’ll never be ready. There are no legal outfits small enough.
Summer clothing options are ALL TERRIBLE. Don’t even SAY “romper” near me.
4. And your hair? Forget about it. You will be angry about this EVERY. DAY.
Oh cool, I didn’t realize my hair was in a hugeness contest with itself.
5. You are now on a three-month hunt for elusive shade.
Your friends: “Let’s eat outside!” You: “I have to go.”
6. You’re like a heat-seeking missile to restaurants and bars with good AC.
It’s just those open window wall things? Haha, pass.
7. You want to avoid the beach like the plague but it’s ALL ANYONE WANTS TO DO.
Do I want to go sit on a hot, crunchy surface to sweat and squint for 4 hours, and then go home with a painful burn after? Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
8. Once, just once, this summer, you are going to agree to go, because you’ll think, “Maybe this year it’ll be different.”
“Maybe, finally, this year, that surf hair thing I’ve read about in the magazines will happen to me.”
9. You will have a brief, black-and-white vision of beach-frolicking and think, “Maybe I’ll get a piggyback ride out of this.”
Don’t fool yourself. This is heat exhaustion. You’re delirious.
10. Twenty minutes into your reluctant beach trip, you will realize you have made a horrible mistake.
11. You will start dropping hints to your friends. “It looks like it might rain???” you’ll say. “There are literally no clouds,” they’ll say. You’ll try again. “Did you guys hear a shark??”
They’ll say they want to stay for “a couple more hours.” TWO MORE HOURS.
12. You will go home and vow solemnly to never fall for this shit ever again.
13. “NO THANKS, I’M BUSY” — you, to all beach, boardwalk, and being-outside-for-multiple-hours activities, for the rest of summer.
14. When your friends are like “Let’s have a picnic in the park!!!!!!!!!!” you’re like …
15. Summer is the season of guilting people into doing things because “it’s nice out!”
Well, guess what? The sun is not the boss of you.
16. Summer tries to make you feel bad for continuing to enjoy your hobbies from other seasons, like eating and watching Netflix.
TV didn’t stop being good just because it’s warm outside. That makes no sense!!!!
17. On days with 30% or more chance of rain you watch the sky, HOPING for it, just so you’ll “have” to stay in.
Ughghgh, I feel like meteorologists are LYING to me.
18. If you do go outside, you’ll have to see people running. Summer is when people’s exercise becomes all VISIBLE and PUBLIC.
19. Summer is practically everlasting. For now, all you can do is find your allies in mutual, sweaty discomfort.
Let’s all band together in someone’s cool, dark basement.
20. You’ll only start to feel a little relieved on August 31.
(PLEASE let it not be one of those basically-still-summer Septembers, PLEASE)
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