1. So you’ve just signed up for Tinder, the world’s premiere dating app for women looking for dead fish.
W seeks DF, as it were.
2. There might be some things you THINK you’re looking for in a dead fish on Tinder. Like size.
3. Keep an open mind! The right dead fish for you might be a little smaller than you thought.
A small dead fish with a sense of humor > a big, boring dead fish any day.
4. That said, sometimes you might come across a dead fish that’s just TOO small for you, and that’s ok.
Sometimes you just want a dead fish bigger than your own hand, you know?
5. Think about what you’re looking for in a dead fish. Is it an easy smile?
6. One who’d take a hook for his friend, even if it means they’ll go down together?
7. Is it important to you that your dead fish will look you right in the eye, at least as best as he can with monocular vision?
8. Maybe you want a dead fish you can throw in your golf bag for a day on the green.
9. Maybe you’re looking for a dead fish who is always the life of the party.
10. The point is to not give a dead fish’s unusual good looks too much weight—remember that you’re also looking for a dead fish you can relate to.
11. (Unless you’re just looking for a casual thing. In which case, go crazy, gurrrrl!)
12. Maybe the right dead fish for you is into some weird shit, and that’s great.
13. When looking for your dead fish, consider your own red flags: do his pictures make him seem a little … emotionally volatile?
Who wants super-dramatic dead fish who’s always getting into fights?
14. Does this dead fish look like he takes care of himself?
15. Does this fish seem too vain and image-obsessed for your liking?
It’s like, how many sepia-toned selfies does a dead fish really NEED.
16. Does this dead fish seem, from his profile, like he’s compensating for something?
17. Remember: just because a dead fish is pictured in sun-soaked Instagram filter doesn’t mean he’s sensitive.
18. Consider the distance: are you into this dead fish enough to drive 21 miles to see him any time you want to hang out?
19. Look: finding the right dead fish for you on Tinder isn’t going to be easy. There are some real weirdos out there.
Like what was this dead fish even THINKING.