1. So you’ve been thinking about getting bangs.
Just as we must turn the clock forward once a year and then back again, so too must you biannually contemplate the length of your hair.
2. You ask your friends what they think. A lot. A bunch of times.
trying to pretend they care
3. You call your mom. “Mom, should I get bangs?” you’ll say. “Honey I have to get to work,” she’ll say. “Ask your sister.”
4. But this time you’re not *just* indulging in an empty, vanity-based fantasy. You’ve been doing the research.
Who knew there was math involved here? There is.
5. With bangs you’d most certainly become a flirty, coquettish sex goddess.
6. You’d always have to, like, blow them out of your face.
8. Or even shake them off your face, slowly and sensually, like a pubescent boy pop star.
9. You start looking up pictures of celebrities with bangs and saving them in a folder on your desktop. Look how great Audrey’s looked, for instance!
Guh, that little ponytail too.
10. And ZOOEY’S, oh my god, Zooey’s bangs. She looks so great.
(This, of course, is more due to the fact that she is ZOOEY DESCHANEL than it is to the exact cut of her bangs. But you will ignore this.)
11. At the last moment, one of your (real) friends will step in and tell you, “You don’t have to do this.” You will lash out.
12. You’re determined. This is going to change everything.
Your whole life, dramatically and unrealistically improved in an instant.
14. Pretty much as soon as you sit down you will feel that this was a Very Big Mistake.
Unless you are one of the Bangs Chosen, and then this is not really for you.
15. If you come out of this loving how bangs look on you, well, congratulations. You are the 1%.
NO I AM NOT BITTER.
16. More than likely, you will go home and yell things at your own face.
Maybe if you scream a lot the energy will course into your hair follicles, spurring growth.