How do you introduce a girl/guy you are dating to videogames?
“Chastity, this is my videogame, Videogame. Videogame, Chastity.” Then you pick up your girlfriend’s hand and drop it, letting it kind of flop on your Wii (which you are holding out like The Bible in a courtroom) like a dead fish. Then say, “Nice to meet you,” in an extra-deep voice as if you are your Wii. Hahaha! Anyway, side note, you know that kind of dull, dizzying pain you get when you try to roll your eyes up and back into your head? Why is it so hard to stop doing it even though it hurts, do you think?
So you’re dating someone and you know that s/he doesn’t know much about/isn’t very into videogames, because you guys have talked about it in a friendly, non-condescending way. I’m taking that part for granted. If your S.O. has expressed an interest in trying some games with you, you can probably find a few good options to try with him/her to see how they go over. Mario Kart comes to mind for general audiences, and it’s a fun game for trash talking with someone you like.
I don’t know a lot about video games or your girl/guy, so it’s hard to be super specific, but try to find games that incorporate some small feature your S.O. is already interested in. For example, the most important quality in a videogame, to me, is the ability to customize people’s outfits. This means I can enjoy games as diverse as The Sims, Tony Hawk, Super Smash Bros (girls love Sheik), and the Elder Scrolls series, plus more probably! Got it? This Wikipedia page of video games by theme could help, too.
What is the proper etiquette for the aftermath of clicking on something accidentally? More specifically, accidentally clicking “like” on the Facebook status/photo/post of someone you don’t know that well (or when it’s weird for other reasons), or accidentally starting a Words with Friends/Draw Something game with someone?
How ARE you? Please, have a seat. Yes, just over there. Any of the chairs, yeah that’s great. Okay. How are you feeling? Mm. Mm-hm. Has anything in particular been bothering you lately? Is there any person you’ve been unexpectedly … fixated on? In your dreams, perhaps? In your … *leans in furtively* Facebook activity?
No, really: who are you obsessed with, in either love or hate? Stop going on his or her Facebook and Twitter and Tumblr and Diaryland! It will only ever lead to disaster. There are at least 66,900,000 of you idiots out in the world, and that includes me, and somebody needs to stop us. (The best of these desperate pleas, by the way, is this one: “I was rolling around in bed when I accidentally pressed “like” on a person’s photo.” Haha. What??) I’m serious: give it up. Stop clicking through photo albums. Stop typing names into the Facebook search bar when you KNOW how close the status bar is to it. Say goodbye. Print out ONE picture, just like fifty or so copies of it, and very quickly sew it into the inside of all your shirts and coats. This is going to have to be good enough.
But let’s assume the worst: it’s too late, and you’ve ruined your life, and everyone else’s, by clicking something you shouldn’t have. The consensus from the yahoos at Ask Yahoo (I’m simultaneously brushing dirt off my shoulder and crying, right now) is that if you like and then quickly unlike someone’s Facebook activity, s/he is still going to get that notification, but won’t be able to see the actual “like.” You should still unlike it anyway. (Or, in the case of Facebook games, just never make the first play. Let it lie.) There is no explanation for your grave error that will make the situation any less awkward. Be an adult, and pretend that it never happened. The other person will probably get that it was a mistake. Or s/he will sit there laughing at you for days. Or both!
What if you’re trying to use something like Square or Google Wallet to pay (because you are fancy) and it keeps not working and you’re holding up the line? What is the correct approach there?
Stop? Just stop. Put it away. Give it to me. Stop! Give it to me. Put it…put it down. DOWN!
Here is something to keep in mind about paying for goods and services using existing forms of currency: it doesn’t take all that long! Pull some dollar bills out of your wallet (NOT your Google Wallet), hand them to the cashier, and wait politely for your change and your receipt. It took about a minute, and now you can leave. To be even quicker, use your f%$*ing debit card or credit card, which are literally small, rectangular devices that can electronically process your payments for you. Pretty good idea!
No, I am sure that Square and Google Wallet have their advantages, though I have no idea what they could be and there aren’t any of them. It’s fine to try to use these apps once, you nerd, in establishments where there is no more than one person in line behind you. You get two attempts, and then it’s back to the caves for you. Might as well use your checkbook!
Katie Heaney is a writer and volunteer text message analyst living in Minneapolis. She thinks you should have good manners, even on the internet.
Illustration by Cara Vandermey