On Friday we answered the Internet’s desperate cry for The Ultimate Guy’s Profile Pic. Today we try to help out the legions of helpless women who have risen up in search of their own flawless Facebook picture prototype.
The main problem is that Internet advice for girls’ Facebook profile pictures is almost exclusively about what NOT to do. Girls with Facebook pictures: always making dudes mad. Luckily, we were able to find a few DOs to help us come up with an objection-proof Facebook profile pic.
1. First step: Decide if you are sexy, gorgeous, attractive, or merely very good-looking.
Or stunning, or alluring, or comely, or enticing, or foxy, or lovely, or fair. Make a very specific and deliberate choice and stick to it. Don’t mess this up.
2. Open your eyes.
Grasp your top lid eyelashes between your forefingers and your thumbs (your left hand on your left eye, your right hand on your right eye), and gently pull the lashes upwards by moving your pinched fingers toward your eyebrows. Keep going for as long as you possibly can.
3. Be as alone as possible.
Walk into the street in the dead of night. Go barefoot; do not make a sound. Walk until you see nothing, feel nothing. Between you and the horizon there is only vast empty space.
4. Unclench your fists.
Learn how your joints and your muscles move. Position these appendages in ways you’ve seen other humans use them, but not quite as normal. You want to stand out. Never let any two of your body parts be in line.
5. Hold a tomato (or similar).
Use a GORGEOUS tomato only if you’ve decided to approximate the GORGEOUS definition of hot. Substitutions include sexy turnips, attractive red peppers, foxy grapes. Do NOT mix and match produce and face types.
6. Have a halo.
Emulate Jesus Christ’s appearance in as many ways as you can.
7. Be emerging from a hazy lagoon.
This picture is from an article about using professional photography for personal online profiles. Says the picture’s subject, “There’s no way anyone else on Facebook has that picture. It’s a conversation starter.” Example conversation: “Hey, James!” “Hey, why is your Facebook picture a terrible Photoshop of you walking out of a lake in a gown at dusk?”
Behold: The Perfect Profile Picture for Girls
Graphic by John Gara
What do we get when we combine all the above advice into one glorious photograph? THIS masterpiece. Oooh, alluring. Her eyes are so open. Ladies: Just Photoshop your face onto this face, in the exact same expression, and you should be good to go for life!