1. Ask your roommate “Are you OK?” and judge them for binge-watching Netflix for the past two days.
2. Binge-watch Netflix for two days yourself, but in a common space.
3. Leave dirty dishes in the sink for multiple days.
4. Leave dirty dishes on the counter for multiple days, with unidentifiable food crusting over.
5. Or, tell your roommate to clean the dishes within six hours of when they were used.
6. Never take the garbage out.
7. Place one MORE piece of garbage on top of what you now think of as the Tower of Garbage. How much can it fit??? You can’t wait to find out.
8. Use your roommate’s toothbrush.
9. Use your roommate’s toothbrush for something other than brushing teeth.
10. Tell your friends it’s tooootally fine if they crash on the couch while they apartment-hunt. They can take their time!
11. Bring the mangy armchair in off the street. Probably it doesn’t have bedbugs.
12. Disappear. Just totally go off the grid, without warning, for like a week.
13. Have a cat and never clean the litter box.
14. Have a rabbit and laugh it off when he gnaws through your roommate’s iPhone charger.
15. Have pet rats, in secret.
16. Have pet rats openly, like TOO openly.
17. Opt out of paying part of cable because you don’t really watch TV. Then watch TV.
18. Cancel a recording of “The Bachelorette” because you were home and wanted to watch something else.
19. Make space on the DVR for the shows you would like recorded.
20. Call discussions you want to have with your roommate(s) “meetings,” as in, “Hey guys, do you have time for a quick meeting on Thursday night? I’ve got some items on the agenda.”
21. Send your roommate(s) pictures/Snapchats of the apartment with the lights and/or TV on, with the text, “Forgot something?”
22. Knock on your roommate’s closed bedroom door for anything other than a life-threatening emergency.
24. Borrow your roommate’s clothes.
25. Eat cereal out of styrofoam bowls with plastic spoons and no milk.
26. Embark on a personal project called “How Loud Can I Make Cereal Eating Be?”
27. Make copies of your apartment keys and hand them out to significant others.
28. And Tinder dates.
29. Use 3+ very loud phone alarms to wake up in the morning. Sleep through them all.
30. Have loud sex.
31. Have loud sex in shared living spaces.
33. Build sex dolls, generally.
34. Take up the entire refrigerator with your groceries.
35. Put nothing of your own in the refrigerator and complain at length about hunger.
36. Buy a bunch of kale, put it in the crisper, and leave it there untouched for 3 months, until it is a living swamp organism.
37. Buy a bunch of potatoes and forget about them until you discover one behind the microwave, in its new state, as an extraterrestrial communication device.
38. Refuse to buy your own milk, or share a bigger size, because you don’t drink it.
39. Ask for just a little bit of milk.
40. Write your name in permanent marker on every single grocery item you purchase.
41. Turn off the communal AC in the middle of the night.
42. Blame things on a ghost.
43. Tell your roommate “I mean SOMEBODY has probably died in here.”
44. Look up all the people who have died in your apartment and tell your roommate about each.
45. Let the cockroach live.
46. Use too much toilet paper.
47. Finish the toilet paper and don’t replace it.
48. Replace the toilet paper, but put it on in the roll-under way, which everyone knows is wrong and stupid.
49. Replace the toilet paper by setting the new role on top of the empty bar.
50. Replace the nice toilet paper with the itchy toilet paper.
51. Conversely, be weirdly dictatorial about the household toilet paper brand.
52. Repeatedly encourage your roommates to monitor their toilet paper sheet count.
53. Leave hair in the shower drain.
54. Let so much hair accumulate in the shower drain that it could provide enough material for the nest of a smallish bird.
55. Leave nail clippings scattered around the apartment like gifts for Borrowers. (I’m thinking they would use them as, like, part of a knife.)