28 Things Your Gchat Availability Status Really Means

Let’s chat.

Green Circle

1. Available, desperately so, I mean, please, literally talk to me about ANYthing, that I might be taken away from the unceasing mundanity of my existence, even if only for a minute or two

2. Available for heavy-handed flirting that will amount to very little, if anything

3. Available for gossip about people I don’t even know, I don’t even care

4. Available for links I’ll only pretend to read, but will really only scan the headline and write back “lol” or “omg” or whatever

5. Available, but not for descriptions of the dream you had last night, it’s really not even kind of funny, it’s just incomprehensible

6. Available, broadly, but not to you

7. Available, but for god’s sake, Anna, can you not tell me what you made for dinner last night, I get it, you can cook

8. Available, but only for cat fail gifs

9. Available, but only for dog fail gifs

10. Available, but only because I want to promote this link I have here, in my status, do you see it

11. Available, but only for copy-pasted transcripts of your Gchats with other people

12. Available, but only in the event you’ve heard that something embarrassing happened to someone we both hate

13. Available, but only in a defiant, symbolic sense, where it’s like, YES, I am here, YES I am ON Gchat because I am FINE, and I want you to see my name in your list and FEEL that, but obviously don’t TALK to me, you dumbass piece of shit

Orange/Idle Circle

14. I could not be monitoring my Gchat status more closely; I waited to go idle, and then I sat watching, waiting

15. I have somehow been away from my Gmail window for long enough that this status activated; please help me remedy this situation

16. I have a real job

17. Dead

Red/Busy Circle

18. Available (I am new to Gchat and don’t understand that I shouldn’t have the red circle up ALL DAY simply because I’m at my place of work)

19. Available (I’m not new to Gchat; I’m just confused about what “busy” really means)

20. Available, but I want to be able to claim plausible deniability if I feel like ignoring you at any moment

21. Busy, but not too busy for requests to go take an inordinately long coffee break, it’s fine, we can call it a meeting

22. Busy, but not too busy to provide synonyms for words you need synonyms for

23. Busy, but not too busy for highly graphic sex questions

24. I am genuinely in a meeting! I’m serious!!!!

25. I want you to think about what you’ve done

Invisible

26. Available, but only to my best friend, who knows that I am never TRULY offline, even when I’m sleeping

27. I’m mad at you and I want you to think I signed off, which obviously I did not do

28. Available in the sense that I am HERE, like, very much so, but it’s Saturday night, so … no, I am not on Gchat, obviously

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