1. The total mystification with which you look at Kim Kardashian butt selfies.
2. And the (probably too high) amount of time you’ve spent scrolling through Jen Selter’s Instagram.
It’s just … how.
3. You are familiar with alllllllll the Instagram tricks in the book.
4. No matter how tight your jeans feel when you first put them on, you’ll have lower butt/upper leg gapping by EOD.
5. Shorts will never REALLY fit you. It’s just never going to happen.
Without legs to grip, what is there for your shorts to hold? Mere air.
6. The very brief, NOT at all serious, definitelyyyy not serious and totally joking, COMPLETELY joking consideration of purchasing a product called “booty boosters.”
8. And remember when you thought about buying/actually bought Skechers Shape-Ups?? LOL.
10. That joke your family has about how your assless-ness comes from a genetic defect called “no acetol.”
Is that just my family?
11. The belief that some number of squats can transform you into Nicki Minaj.
12. There is naught with which to twerk.
13. National Ass Day, a day you’ll NEVER be able to celebrate.
What are the parties like? You’ll never know.
15. You work hard to avoid bottoms with clothing/logos on them, because WHY would you want ATTENTION drawn to your near-invisible butt??
17. That thing where it’s ALMOST like you have a butt, if you bend over at a 90-degree angle.
18. Not even button-flap back pockets can help you.
19. You can’t REALLY do that swing-your-hips-while-you-walk thing.
It will probably just look like you threw your back out.
20. Whoever is in charge of making swimsuit bottoms is not making them for you.
21. You feel just slightly personally affronted when Ludacris says, “If there ain’t no ass where I’m at, then I’m in the wrong place.”
Look, Ludacris. You and me BOTH would like there to be more ass here than there is currently.