20 Signs You’re Totally Dependent On Your Horoscope

Susan Miller, you minx.

1. You don’t really think astrology is real, but. … you kind of think it’s a little real.

2. You definitely know your sign, and identify with your sign, and read various horoscopes for your sign every month. Or week, or day.

3. You even know your rising sign.

4. And Astrology Zone is the first internet/app stop you make on the first of every month.

5. Susan Miller! You both trust and deeply fear her every word.

6. “I’m sorry,” Susan Miller tells you, “but October will be very terrible.”

Susan, how could you do this to me.

7. You’re absolutely terrified to sign any contract because it seems like there is literally never a good time to do it.

Also, Susan, HOW OFTEN DO REAL ADULTS SIGN CONTRACTS? Because people don’t sign contracts or buy real estate nearly as often as you think we do.

8. You also don’t make half as many major purchases to be CONSISTENTLY worried about as Susan thinks you do.

The last time you bought a bed was approximately one never ago.

9. Your horoscope made you believe in Mercury Retrograde. You FEEL Mercury Retrograde.

10. You curse Mercury Retrograde every day of every Mercury Retrograde.

11. You pretend not to let the negative predictions get to you, but sometimes it’s just too harsh.

What do you mean, “the second half of the month will be fraught for interpersonal relationships” ??

12. You act out and blame your bad behavior on various moons being in various houses.

13. But toward the end of every month, you gather yourself and prepare for better news.

14. For example, every time your horoscope tells you a certain day will be “good for love,” you believe it.

15. The minute you decide to date someone, you check to see how compatible your signs are…

16. …and if it looks like your partner doesn’t match up with you well, you COMPLETELY doubt the entire relationship.

17. You’ve been known to say things like, “She is OBVIOUSLY a Libra Sun/Pisces Rising” …

You have a gift.

18. … but if someone asks you “your sign” as a pickup line, you’re basically repulsed.

19. At the end of the month when you read over your horoscope to see if it was “true,” you find that it was SPOT ON.

(Because you ignore the things that don’t match.)

20. So you’ll keep coming back. Because your horoscope just GETS you.

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