Katie: Lacrosse uniforms just don’t give you ANYTHING to work with. There could be anything under there for all I know.
Matt: I want to believe there’s a good butt in those shorts. I’m sure they work hard, running around with that stick basket all the time, but like, nobody is ever gonna see it. Lacrosse butts make me sad because of how lonely and reclusive they are.
Katie: The thing about golf butts is they will always be far away. Like who goes to stand on a golf course 100 yards away from a golfer and is like, “He’s hot.” That’s never happened. You can’t see it.
Matt: Maybe, with one of those golf visors and an umbrella and some sunglasses and a pair of binoculars, I could enjoy a good golf butt. But I’d rather take my butt money elsewhere.
Katie: There is a weird diaper-looking issue going on with hockey butts. I understand that they need to protect themselves, but this is not a uniform that is butt conducive.
Matt: In general, hockey players have a lot of booty happening. But I’m afraid, if they took off their bulky hockey diapers, their butts are probably covered in bruises and scabs and other maladies endured in the rink. Their locker rooms are probably just full of scabby butts.
15. Cross-Country Running
Katie: I appreciate what runners are trying to do with length, but the windbreaker-y material is not, and has never been, a great material for showcasing the human butt.
Matt: I feel like runners WANT US to think they have good butts, because… you know, they run and stuff. But ACTUALLY, once you peel away those layers of sweaty granny panties and moist jock straps, it’s just like, a piece of bent cardboard on two lean pieces of cold ham.
Katie: Oh my god, I’m dying. I’m dead.
Katie: I don’t like how long basketball shorts are these days. (“These days,” haha, I am sort of old relatively speaking.) I think it has a weird and not-good elongating effect on butts. But sometimes you can get a decent peek.
Matt: The problem with basketball butts is that basketball players are usually like nine feet tall, so their butts are at least three feet tall just by themselves. You’d be hard pressed to find a good butt over a foot and a half. At that length, they start turning inward, like when you push on a plastic cup and turn it inside out.
Katie: Volleyball uniforms are made for jumping and that does pretty great things for butts. However, there is still too much reliance on windbreaker-y material here.
Matt: I agree, volleyball butts could benefit from some tighter pant action. WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID OF, VOLLEYBALL PLAYERS? WE MIGHT ACTUALLY ENJOY WATCHING VOLLEYBALL FOR ONE SECOND IN OUR GODDAMN LIVES?
Katie: It doesn’t get much tighter, pants-wise, than football pants. Football capris, really. It’s almost TOO much information, you know? I like a little more mystery around the butt. I feel like butts should be more of a layered experience.
Matt: I mean, you can never have TOO much butt information. That’s like saying, there’s too much syrup on my pancakes, or there’s too many pancakes on my plate, or I saw too many butts today while I was eating my pancakes. Wrong. What are you hiding, football butts? Tattoos? Ugly butt tattoos?
11. Horse Racing
Katie: Horse-riding seems great for your butt. You are always clenching it to stay on top of the horse, probably. And while the pants are tight, they’re also vaguely trouser-y. I like it.
Matt: Horse-riding butts are like the opposite of basketball butts, cause horse-riders are so short. So there’s like, a whole man’s worth of butt squished into one tiny person’s butt, and it works out pretty nicely. I’m just worried about the damage it endures on that horse. Horses have absolutely zero respect for human butts. Horses don’t give a shit about the things we love.
Katie: Nadal is a special case because he has a great butt but he also like, publicly picks his wedgies all the time. But whatever, it happens, you can’t run to the bathroom for that when you’re in the middle of an important tennis match. Overall I think tennis butts really show up on the court.
Matt: Definitely. Tennis butts are usually always pretty good, and there’s a lot of twisting and turning to really show those babies off. And yes, Nadal is a special case, but only because his butt is like EXTRA good, instead of just normal good.
Katie: I have never seen a cricket match but after doing the research for this post I think I would like to. There is some good 180-degree rotation going on here.
Matt: I pretty much have zero idea what cricket actually is, but from the looks of it, the official cricket uniform is sweatpants and a T-Shirt, which is pretty awful for showing off butts. I KNOW. I KNOW. Everybody is always like, “OH MY GOD, I LOVE A GUY IN SWEATPANTS.” No. Sweatpants are gross. They’re comfortable, yes. But also, they’re too bulky and they get weird stains on them and they don’t even show off the butt very nicely anyway, so just stop.
Katie: Ew, who are you hanging out with that says “I love a guy in sweatpants.” That is like saying “I love a guy in a sleeping bag.”
Katie: It would never have occurred to me to include rowers, much less rank them so highly, because their butts are always hidden in the boats. But then you informed me of some relevant supporting evidence.
Matt: Oh, yes. Rowers are basically just beefing up their butts all day long. There’s just a whole boatful of booty happening all the time.
Katie: First of all, everyone should wear suspenders in every sport. This is a tradition we should not have let go. Regardless, gymnastics butts still look great, if more modernized. The pants are not too tight and not too loose.
Matt: I’m pretty much always in favor of a tight pant, so obviously, I’m into gymnast butts. The only scary part about gymnast butts is that most of them can literally break my neck. Like, I’m afraid to get too close, because these cheeks will grasp my neck and separate my skull from my spine. Which isn’t necessarily a bad thing.
Katie: Maybe this is hypocritical because of what I said about lacrosse but I love a good nearly-hidden skateboarding butt. Skinny boys have found the pants and sport that works for them and I think that is great.
Matt: I’m gonna have to offer a hard disagree on this one. I don’t wanna have to take out my magnifying glass to appreciate a butt. Skater butts look like a pile of hay. You can make it look kinda round, but as soon as the wind comes blowing, that stack is gone.
Katie: I let swimming be #4 so you’re going to deal with this one being here.
Katie: Rugby butts are really good. I like the double layering going on here. The little peekaboo spandex is sexy and then the regular shorts over it are like “not so fast, buddy.”
Matt: Rugby butts are like the gold standard of butts. Rugby legs are like muscly tree trunks built by Jesus himself, and you know that craftsmanship extends above the thighs. I think their tiny booty shorts do a good job of showing off the majesty.
Katie: I actually would not put swimming butts so high on this list but you made it clear that you would not participate if I put them any lower.
Matt: WHY? DO YOU HATE JOY? Sure, there’s not a whole lot of mystery happening here. But I mean, if it’s butt you’re looking for, there you go. There it is. Big, bold and beautiful.
3. Figure Skating
Katie: This is just, I mean. This is extraordinary. It’s not like I think everyone should start wearing, like, lycra-velour pants all the time, but maybe they should?
Matt: My one concern is that these uniforms are TOO TIGHT. Butts need to breathe. They need room to expand. They need to live. I mean, this is a great look for butts. I’m just expressing my worries as a butt activist.
Katie: Soccer is great. Soccer understands the value in making use of interesting geometric shapes and lines, and that mid-thigh is the ideal shorts length, and that jersey hangs off the butt so much more kindly than like, nylon or whatever. High marks, 9.0/10.0.
Matt: Soccer butts are truly exceptional. Not too big or angry. Just enough going on. I appreciate that the shorts dance around the butt as they run, like a matador waving a flag in front of a beefy bull. Butts are really the only good thing about soccer, if we’re being honest.
Katie: Baseball pants are hands-down the sexiest uniform in the game. In all the sports. They are like pajamas, but tight. They’re like jeans, but soft. Nobody can stop touching each other’s butts in them and I do not blame them.
Matt: I’m gonna let you have this one, because I believe in your commitment to the baseball butt. But, if we’re being honest with ourselves, these guys aren’t working with much. I mean, if there was a little more cake in this dessert window, I would agree. But this uniform looks like a half-empty laundry basket slumped over in a bedroom corner. Not bad. But as with all butts, we can always strive for better.
Katie: “Aren’t working with much”?? You need to watch more baseball. Matt, tell me what is the ideal fabric and short/pant length you’d put a butt in. Mine is the exact pants worn by Prince Eric. I don’t know what sport that would work for. Competitive mermaid seducing.
Matt: How about underwear? I’ll watch baseball if they play in their underwear.
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