17 Terrible Things About Coffee Shops

Yes, please, give me the 20-minute origin story of your special beans.

1. The iced coffee costs ONE HUNDRED more dollars than hot coffee. Literally one hundred dollars more. Why?

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2. The grimace on the face of your barista when you ask if they have flavored syrups.

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3. If you DO find extras to add, like soy milk or whipped cream, you’re up to like $9 in no time.

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4. And no Sweet’N Low or Equal? WHY? You’re too good for Sweet’N Low???

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5. The moral superiority of those who insist on pour-over coffee.

(And it’s not even ever that hot?)

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6. The nearly day-long wait. For the “craft.”

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7. The time it takes to prepare any of the offered sandwiches, and how annoyed your barista is at you for ordering it. Though it is on the menu.

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8. The way your hair smells after you leave. Like smoky bean death.

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9. The passive-aggressive Luddite signs.

All right. We can decide who to talk to.

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10. On the other hand, the clientele.

OK buddy. Calm down.

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11. In general, the die-hard loyalty these places inspire. Over a drink.


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12. The staffs of mean, hungover 23-year-olds.

“Omg, I’m so hungover.” “No, no. Dude. I am so hungover. You don’t even know.”

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13. The outlandish prices.

I should not be able to round my coffee total up to $10!!!

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14. The oppressively boring art music.

I want to diiiiiiiiie.

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15. The stupid, stupid furniture.

This feels like a punishment. Do you want me … to leave.

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16. Coffee art: takes so long, gone in one sip.

Save it for the canvas, Monet.

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17. The general decline of intellectual discourse in café culture since the end of Weimar Germany in the 1930s.

Haha, jk.

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