1. Jamie Dornan as killer Paul Spector on The Fall
Anne Helen Petersen: There’s that horrible scene with the babysitter… that’s also so strangely erotic? I can’t. I’m so grossed out at myself for finding him hot.
Arianna Rebolini: I’ve never seen The Fall but WOW do I want to start now. So he’s a psychopathic serial killer? But is he sensitive underneath it all? He looks like he might be sensitive underneath it all. Like has anyone just tried really talking to him? Very dreamy.
Katie Heaney: He is definitely, definitely not sensitive underneath it all. He is … ahhh, nevermind, I was going to say he is “rock hard underneath it all,” because of his abs, I’m sorry. He is horrifying. Like one of the worst murderers I’ve seen on TV, and I watch a lot of crime dramas. He is also, without question, the most beautiful.
Julie Gerstein: I have an ex that looks like a less attractive and slightly less sociopathic version of Jamie Dornan’s character in this show, and so I’m partial to Paul, a little, I guess. Also, DEM ABS.
2. Mads Mikkelsen as cannibalistic serial killer Hannibal Lecter, Hannibal
AR: Yes. No question. His hair is terrible (also he kills and eats people) but his cheekbones are razor sharp, he has a refined culinary intuition, and his accent is intoxicating.
KH: When you told me that people find Hannibal hot — as Hannibal; obviously Mads Mikkelsen is a handsome dude with unreal bone structure — I was very scandalized. His hair on the show is so weird and murder-y. And I hate his suits. And also he EATS PEOPLE.
AHP: I can’t with the floppy hair.
JG: He has dead fish eyes, which women find deeply appealing for some reason.
3. Idris Elba as drug lord Stringer Bell on The Wire
AR: This is SO DIFFICULT because Idris Elba is basically a living deity but Stringer Bell is just so unforgivable. Like, fine, Hannibal, yes, you kill and eat people but Stringer has little baby Wallace killed? Nope. Can’t do it. Can’t.
KH: Arianna, you need to get your priorities in line. I haven’t seen The Wire, so, I’m biased obviously, but I know that I care less about whatever crimes he’s guilty of than I do Hannibal’s, or most crimes in general. He is just spectacular.
JG: It’s OK, Arianna, because he later redeemed himself as LUUUUUUTHER.
AHP: Something unspeakably hot when he insists on Robert’s Rules of Order during the drug kingpins meetings.
4. Michael C. Hall as vigilante Dexter Morgan Dexter
AR: I’m starting to get alarmed about how many murderers I would justify getting with, but Dexter only kills other killers so it’s like he’s not even a killer at all. He’s basically Batman. Beautiful, ginger Batman.
KH: Totally. Everyone knows that a criminal who does their crime in service of the greater good is totally legit and bangable. (THIS IS A JOKE!) (Mostly.) (Haha, is it????) It’s like Robin Hood. I would do Robin Hood and I would do Dexter.
JG: Dexter’s a killer with a code. A killer with a heart of gold. A real killer’s killer, if you will.
AHP: But YOU GUYS, in real life he was sleeping with the woman who played his sister. All sexiness killed.
5. James Marsters as vampire bad boy Spike on Buffy
AR: Duh. Du-huhhhhhhhhhhhh. Spike was, for better or for worse, the epitome of the brooding villain who had a heart of gold and he awoke in my pre-teen self some brand new sexy feelings. Spike 4ever.
KH: I am totally Team Spike over Team Angel. Completely. I appreciate that he does not WHINE about his crimes, or feel sorry for himself like Angel does. He’s a vampire. Deal with it. And here is ANOTHER man with outrageous bone structure. His accent! His little black outfits!
JG: I think American women will let guys get away with a lot if they have a sexy British accent. Sad, but true.
6. Kip Chapman and Jay Ryan as town bully-bros Luke and Mark Mitcham in Top of the Lake
AHP: That crow tattoo? OH MY GOD, so gross, so hot.
KH: For real, the first time I saw Mark Mitcham with that tattoo, I knew he was going to be a problem for me in this show. I was like, “When’s the crow guy getting back on screen?”
AR: Ahh, hmm, you know what, I’m gonna say: No thanks. I can see it, like grungy hot I guess, but these guys look scary to me. They just look scary. Sorry to all white dudes with tattoos on their shaved heads.
7. Giancarlo Esposito as meth distributor/killer Gus Fring on Breaking Bad
AR: Gus was stone cold, an astute businessman, and had killer (lol) style. Do I want to marry him, or even date him? No. But would I bone down? Yes.
KH: I haven’t watched the show, but this is a sharp dresser, and he manages to pull off Harry Potter shape glasses without seeming remotely like Harry Potter. That takes confidence.
AHP: There’s really something to be said for the straight-faced hotness look.
JG: He’s worked his way up in the drug business. He’s a drug mogul! That’s hot!
8. Alexander Skarsgård as vamp Eric Northman on True Blood
AHP: Hottest dirtbag vampire NO QUESTION. I used to be obsessed with the “dreams” Sookie would have featuring him (and white, billowing sheets) after she drank his blood. So hott.
AR: HAHAHA. HAHAHAHAHA. IS THIS EVEN A QUESTION? Remember when he held out the key to Sookie and was like “I own your house”? REMEMBER???!????! Eric Northman is my desktop background. Yes until the day I die.
KH: I … don’t get this one. I just don’t. To me he looks like … a Lego? Does that make sense? Or a Teddy Graham? To me he looks like a hybrid between a Lego and a Teddy Graham, that is very pale. I’m not into him.
JG: Is there any other kind of vampire besides dirtbag vampire? Do I care? I don’t.
9. David Morrissey as ruthless town leader The Governor on The Walking Dead
AR: I will admit that I do not watch The Walking Dead, but this guy seems to be working a silver fox angle, and I like that his eye patch gives him character. Is that from a wound he received while defending this town? Because that seems selfless. I don’t know. I’m into it.
KH: I’m behind on the show, but I watched during the Governor’s arrival and his peak, I think, and I resented myself for finding him sexy every single episode. He’s no DARYL, obviously, but for a purely evil maniac, wearing an eyepatch, he smolders.
AHP: I don’t watch this show but this guy is NOT HOT. He looks like a Dad.
10. Zachary Quinto as Murder House owner Chad Warwick on American Horror Story (and woman-skinner Dr. Oliver Thredson from American Horror Story: Asylum)
AR: No. I’m sorry. A bridge too far. Zachary Quinto is such a babe, but I am still traumatized by that storyline. Thanks, but no thanks.
KH: He. Is. Fine. I don’t care about the house owning. Whatever. I don’t care! His EYEBROWS.
AHP: Didn’t watch this particular season so I can gaze upon his eyebrows with fetishistic glee.
JG: He’s cute and he made a cool skin lampshade, so he’s obviously also crafty.
11. Maurice Bernard as mob kingpin Sonny Corinthos on General Hospital
KH: Granted, it’s a lot to do with this picture, but he looks … sweaty. And sleazy. I am guessing that’s his thing, which is not without its own appeals. I’m just not sure they work on ME.
AR: Yeeeah I feel like this picture is not doing him any favors. He definitely looks menacing but also… suspicious. Like he has trust issues. Sweaty and paranoid: I’ll pass.
AHP: He also has a clear case of daytime television hair. Third pass.
JG: Sonny and Brenda 4-ever.
12. John Simm as renegade alien Time Lord “The Master” on Doctor Who
KH: I do love a super villain that doesn’t look ANYTHING like a super villain. And does it even really count as a “criminal” if you don’t even kind of understand what their crimes are? I don’t think so!
AR: What a little cutie! I know he’s basically the archnemesis of our beloved Doctor, but: awwwwwwww. I want to pinch his villainous cheeks.
AHP: I like all villains in ascots.
13. Andrew Scott as the devious Moriarty on Sherlock
KH: Moriarty is sooooo so so so so sexy. Or maybe it’s that the actor is sooooo so so so sexy, for being so good. It’s both! Moriarty is a total psycho, but also charming and funny, and like, very small, and fun-seeming? Like you could have a good two-day whirlwind with this guy and then you would have to RUN.
AR: I feel you, Katie, like I am definitely attracted to Moriarty but I also just want to hang with him. What would we get into? Probably like break into a bank and then get sexy on a pile of money before we ran out, guns blazing. Idk. I’m spitballing.
AHP: I am so into Moriarty’s voice. I hate talking on the phone but I would totally have him talk to me for hours as foreplay.
14. Josh Holloway as con-man Sawyer on Lost
KH: Nope. Not into it. Looks like retired football player. I know that doesn’t sound like a bad thing but I meant it like a bad thing.
AHP: The tan. The highlighted hair. The scruff. I dig all of it.
AR: OK maaaaybe this is because you didn’t watch Lost, Katie, because I cannot fathom a reality in which one wouldn’t immediately give it up for Sawyer. He has this Southern twang and he’s so tall and perpetually dusty and/or bloody from being a strong and stubborn island badass and I genuinely do not care that he conned people out of their livelihoods. HE’S SO TROUBLED. Oof.
JG: Never watched the show but he’s got some great beachy highlights.
15. John Cho as cop-turned-necromancer Andy Brooks on Sleepy Hollow
KH: Would. Would as the cop, AND probably also would as the necromancer, tbh.
AR: Yep. 100%. Andy Brooks is just a guy who made some bad decisions but tried to right them for the person he loves. He’s really a great guy if you think about it.
17. Ben McKenzie as juvie/frequent fighter Ryan Atwood on The O.C.
KH: Ryan Atwood is that great bad boy myth that someone with a “dark past” who is “troubled” can also be the most loyal, most dedicated, most morally upstanding dude you know, who also has incredible arms that will pick you up repeatedly. There is no TV criminal hotter, for me.
AR: Well. I feel like I’m going to be shunned for this but. IDKKKKKKKKKK. He was too brooding. Like, perk up, Debbie Downer. Life’s not that bad. Being lifted by his beautiful arms would be great, no doubt, but at what cost?
AHP: Shut your mouth Arianna. Those arms 4EVER.
JG: Would do. Would do for sure.
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