1. Text “Hey good lookin’ what’s cookin’?”
Is there any such thing as an oldie-but-goodie in interpersonal communication? Besides, like, “Hello, how are you?” “Have a good night”? There will be no folksy rhyming allowed, going forward. Not with people who don’t know you well enough to love you anyway.
2. Use fill-in-the-blank texting apps like “How To Text a Girl.”
Here is a guideline: if the thing you’ve typed could also be uttered by a) an overeager manager at an office team building retreat or b) a serial killer trying to lure you out of your apartment in the dark, don’t text that thing.
3. Text “Do you like someone?”
I guess you can text this if you’ve encountered no physical evidence of puberty on your person as of this time.
4. Make “a joke.”
There is nothing wrong with making actual jokes, but there is nothing worse than saying things that aren’t jokes while clearly expressing the belief that they are jokes. An example of something that isn’t a joke: telling someone that you will bring a snack to a party, and that you would find it enjoyable if, at that party, that person is humorous.
5. Give weird nicknames to people you just met.
This is from a website “Text Girls and Get Laid,” run by people called Yags and P-Funk. You can sign up for a weekly newsletter full of creepy PUA-type tips like these, if what you most want from your text advice is to become someone who would give himself a nickname like Yags or P-Funk.
6. Text your crush about what your mom is making you for dinner.
Everyone is going to think you’re the lamest kid in seventh grade.
7. If you’re a girl, be smart but not TOO smart.
You know, just, like, text the letters of the alphabet or something. Count to 100, but NOT above 100.
8. Be deep and profound but also light and fun at the same time.
Does anybody around here know what a normal human conversation sounds like?
9. Text unfinished thoughts.
The internet’s favorite texting advice for guys who want to date girls, summarized: be infuriating. They’ll love it.
10. Indicate that you find your crush funny by texting “HA! HA! HA! LMAO!”
Unnatural!! Aaaahh, unnatural and weird, too much, it’s too much. It’s best, in texting as well as in life, to sound like someone who occasionally blinks.
11. Text anything from “textingadvice.com.”
“Does that mean you are stocking me?” :(