28 Things That Are More Useful Than Clear Mascara

Have I made myself clear?

Photick/Ale Ventura/Photick/Ale Ventura

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1. Throw pillows
2. A landline in an apartment
3. Peds socks
4. Fingerless gloves
5. Ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife

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6. Being lactose intolerant at a cheese fair
7. A Nick Lachey CD
8. A lifetime supply of black licorice
9. Tiny plastic hair ties

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10. Clicking the cross to walk button more than one time
11. A spork in theory
12. A spork in practice
13. A rain coat made of papier-mâché

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14. Backpack seat belts
15. A life coach for Beyoncé
16. Cotton swabs as anything but earwax dislodgers
17. The time you’ve spent envisioning a relationship with Joseph Gordon Levitt
18. Knowing what the word “hemidemisemiquaver” means

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19. A biopic about the forgotten second host of American Idol, Brian Dunkleman
20. Majoring in English or Art History!!!!
21. Jokes about majoring in English or Art History!!!!
22. Having the lyrics to “We Didn’t Start The Fire” committed to memory

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23. Decorative pebbles
24. Toe rings
25. Unsubstantiated arguments against LGBTQ rights
26. SPFs that are higher than 50

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28. Like maybe even real mascara.

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That is all.


B. Dunkleman being B. Dunkleman.

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