1. Congratulations on your wedding to that person you’ve known for 5 minutes.
Seriously, I’ve known this pair of socks longer than you’ve known this person.
2. Congrats on your promotion. You worked really hard…sucking up to the boss.
It must be hard to work with your lips glued to the boss’s butt.
3. Congrats?…sorry?… congrats?…on your unplanned pregnancy.
Are we happy about this? Are we upset? Just tell me how to feel.
4. Congrats, grad! You should’ve stayed in school forever.
Wait until you see how much debt you have now.
5. Congrats on your new job! I will (not) miss you.
FREE AT LAST. Good riddance!