College “Diets” That Absolutely, 100% Failed

We’ve all tried weird, irrational college dieting in some form or another… but I’d be hard-pressed to find any success stories. Good luck, calorie counters.

1. The “Liquid Binge” Diet

Juice cleanses? Clear liquid detox? The facts: 37% of people mistake hunger for thirst. So, what better way to throw a big “f-you!” to your metabolism than drinking eight gallons of water per day! Any time you get a craving, just slug back a jug of water, gatorade, milk, etc. (Ok, maybe not milk).

2. The “Alcohol Binge” Diet

You might not even realize you’re already doing it. The Alcohol Binge Diet trades food for libations. Hungry for breakfast? Beer. Snacktime? Beer. Did you want lunch? Gargoyle the keg. By dinnertime, you won’t even remember you haven’t eaten!

3. The “Narcolepsy” Diet

For all the Sleeping Beauties and hermits of the college world, this diet simply avoids all forms of eating meals — because you slept through them all, anyway. Pretty foolproof.

4. The “Empty Pockets” Diet

…this one isn’t really a choice, actually — If you ain’t got no Dining Dollars, that makes it easy. It’s also known as the “I’m Screwed For The Rest Of The Year” Diet.

5. The “MVP” Diet

“Hehe, no, of course I’m not good at sports!” …and then, you come straight out of the gate, face paint on, kicking the shit out of other girls in order to get your weekly workout in. Lets face it. Intramural Diets rule.

6. The “Frat House” Diet

So maybe this one isn’t really a diet, per se… but if you’re one of those girls (or guys) who have absolutely lost their mind on the dancefloor at the local frat house, athlete house, downtown event, etc. during your college career – chalk that up as a calorie kicker for the week.

7. The “Bargaining” Diet

…so you’ve come to a dark, dark place. All of the above didn’t work. Or, okay, you’ve stuck to a pretty decent “diet” all week. But now it’s Saturday, you’re in the dining hall, and they have the strawberry chocolate froyo combo. You HAVE been good all week… besides, you’ll stick to your diet all next week too, right..? BARGAIN with yourselves, people!

8. The “When All Else Fails” Diet

Everybody walks around campus, right? WRONG. We upperclassmen drive. We get tickets. Sure, we rack up a $500 bill by the end of the year, but we don’t care. Well, time to ditch the car, put on your cutest aerobic outfit, and join the plebeians. Joining the normal people and plain old exercising could be your key to success.

9. But really — When all else fails?

…toss your pride, and swag it out at the gym.

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