Elysium, a seemingly real company, says it will launch cremated remains into space for a cool $2000. The small, personalized capsules, it claims, will carry a small amount of ashes into orbit and, after a short time, reenter the Earth’s atmosphere, vaporizing your loved one once and for all.
Sound good? Cool. But before you crack open that urn, there’s some fine print you should read. Some absolutely fantastic fine print — some of the best, this Earthling believes, in the entire universe. Here are the most salient parts:
1. “Memorial Spacecraft” means the spacecraft used by Elysium Space to launch cremated remains into space.
2. “Failed First Launch” means that the Memorial Spaceflight Services are deemed Incomplete after the first launch attempt.
3. The Memorial Spaceflight Services include: (a) the collection of a cremated remains sample, (b) the launch of a cremated remains sample into space, (c) the printing of initials, up to 3 characters, on the capsule containing the remains
4. The Memorial Spaceflight Service will be deemed complete upon the attainment of the Memorial Spacecraft making one (1) complete revolution around the Earth at an altitude above 100 km.
5. If, after the first launch attempt, the Memorial Spaceflight Service is deemed to be Incomplete, you will have the option to have a second cremated remains sample launched into space at no additional cost using the next Elysium Space launch opportunity (“Second Attempt”).
6. Such Second Attempt shall be your sole and exclusive remedy for a Failed First Launch and you will not be eligible for any further refunds or damages.
7. YOU EXPRESSLY ACKNOWLEDGE THAT YOU HAVE BEEN WELL ADVISED ABOUT THE INHERENT HAZARDS OF LAUNCHING CREMATED REMAINS INTO SPACE BY USING A LAUNCH VEHICLE.
8. YOU ARE AWARE THAT IF SUCH A LAUNCH FAILURE OCCURS, THE REMAINS WILL BE SCATTERED ALONG THE FLIGHT PATH.
9. YOU EXPRESSLY ACKNOWLEDGE THAT IF THE LAUNCH IS SUCCESSFUL AND THE MEMORIAL SPACECRAFT ACHIEVES ITS PLANNED ORBIT, THE ORBIT WILL DECAY AND THE MEMORIAL SPACECRAFT WILL EVENTUALLY BURN UP WHILE REENTERING THE EARTH’S ATMOSPHERE.
10. ELYSIUM SPACE’S TOTAL LIABILITY TO THE CUSTOMER, WHETHER IN CONTRACT OR IN TORT (INCLUDING BREACH OF WARRANTY, NEGLIGENCE AND STRICT LIABILITY IN TORT) WILL BE LIMITED TO THE AMOUNT PAID BY THE CUSTOMER TO ELYSIUM SPACE FOR THE MEMORIAL SPACEFLIGHT SERVICE. ELYSIUM SPACE HAS NO FURTHER RESPONSIBILITY OR LIABILITY FOR THE LOSS OR DESTRUCTION OF CREMATED REMAINS.
11. Elysium Space will not issue a refund if more than 30 days have passed since Customer’s order or after the capsule containing the cremated remains has been placed in the Memorial Spacecraft
12. Elysium Space accepts credit card payments using Visa, Mastercard, American Express, JCB, Discover, and Diners Club.
13. Elysium Space does not accept payments via Paypal, Bitcoin, or in the form of personal checks or money orders.