52 Things The New iPad Still Doesn’t Have

It’s 2012, Apple, get with it!

1. Flash
2. A soul
3. Friends
4. Lovers
5. Hair
6. Fingernails
7. A favorite shirt
8. HDMI Support
9. A house
10. A physical keyboard
11. A steady job
12. A bigass sword
13. A car (or a driver’s license)
14. A child
15. Windows 7
16. A fat old dog
17. A sly but loyal cat
18. Even a goldfish
19. Consciousness
20. A sense of humor
21. Glasses-free 3D
22. Ontological crises
23. A stomach
24. Stomach problems (i.e. ulcers)
25. A stylus
26. Skin
27. Cancer
29. A bald spot
30. A CLUE (LOL)
31. A long-term hobby
32. A USB port
33. A beating heart
34. A dimpled smile
35. A removable battery
36. Bushy eyebrows
37. Essential Meaning
38. A good, hearty laugh
39. 2.1 Stereo Sound
40. Feelings
41. Regrets
42. Guilt, about anything (even that)
43. Linux support (kernel 2.6.2.8.5)
44. Ethical sourcing
45. A dope beard
46. Just a really good hoodie
47. A cupholder
48. Cyanogen mod
49. Self-esteem
50. A black belt
51. A yellow belt
52. A 4096 x 3072 screen

I don’t know about you guys, but I’m switching to Android.