You love Marmite to the point that you used to eat it straight
And yes, you think Marmite is better than Vegemite
And no, you will not accept the British version.
There are tons of baby photos of you naked on a sheepskin
In fact, there are still sheepskins everywhere you go to lie down
Instead of cashmere, your luxury sweaters and gloves are made out of possum.
And you have all kinds of accessories that are a combo of tikis, ferns, paua, maori carvings, kauri, and greenstone.
Which you usually get as presents from rellies along with a summery “Happy Christmas” card like this, but with wrapping paper decorated with snow and sleighs.
Your parents speak English but no one understands them.
Sometimes you can’t even figure out their expressions and slang.
It was their pronunciation of the word “condom” that made the sex talk so awkward.
You cringe every time your parents innocently ask someone to put something in the boot or lend them a rubber. But you find yourself accidentally dropping some kiwi terms yourself.
Phonics fail you when spelling out the name of the towns they are from.
Your parents still don’t quite get this whole July 4th thing.
Your parents’ idea of a crowded beach is 6 other people being there, and so they hate American beaches
And even you have a hard time appreciating mundane nature after seeing things like this.
Although the 18-hour flight to New Zealand often results in sights more along these lines.
Your favorite ice cream flavor is Hokey Pokey, which none of your friends have even heard of
There’s one word for why you failed as a vegetarian: lamb
Your friends just do not get why these are such a big deal.
You keep telling your mom that at Starbucks it is a latte not a flat white.
You think it is totally normal to start sports games like this.
Instead of the World Series, your family’s television was tuned into this.
And any cricket game is a chance for your parents to rehash the Chappell’s Underarm Incident
You know better than to ever cheer for Australia.
Every time you mention anything about feminism or environmentalism your parents remind you that New Zealand is and always has been ahead of the game.
People are constantly making jokes about you being a descendent of hobbits
But you can remind them that your ancestry includes cannibals. [Note: this modern day guy is obviously not a cannibal.]
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