1. Miami Dolphins
“Cuuuuuuute!” — My wife.
2. Arizona Cardinals
If only the endzone was made of birdseed.
3. San Diego Chargers
It is sort of dumb that they were named after people yelling “Charge!” at sporting events. If that trend continues, the new name of the Chargers might be “Qualcomm Stadium SUCKS!”
4. Tampa Bay Buccaneers
“I might not always play good football, but when I do, no one is more surprised than myself.”
5. Cleveland Browns
Named after Paul Brown, the team’s first head coach. There is nothing threatening about a team of middle-aged men running a 3-4 defense.
7. Indianapolis Colts
Gorgeous manes winning games.
8. Houston Texans
“The three federal departments of football are… Wait, there aren’t federal departments of football?”
9. Jacksonville Jaguars
Calm down, kitty, no need to get so upset.
10. Dallas Cowboys
“Yee haw! We’re going 8-8 again!”
11. Washington Redskins
A team full of sunburned guys willing to hit you is sort of frightening. Wait, they’re named after what? How rude!
12. Green Bay Packers
Named after the Indian Packing Company, a team of old union workers is pretty awesome. Too bad they can’t seem to beat a team of old prospectors, though.
13. San Francisco 49ers
An old prospector outrunning a defense is super threatening. Guess sometimes you have to go for the gold, right, Green Bay?
14. Seattle Seahawks
“SQUAK! Russell Wilson! SQUAK! Russell Wilson!”
15. Kansas City Chiefs
More like “One Flew Over Dwayne Bowe’s Head Again,” am I right?
16. New England Patriots
“How come no one’s tawkin’ ‘bout how OBAMA is tawkin’ stahtin’ a wa’ ‘gainst Syr’a? HE”S A FREAKIN’ WA’ HAWK!”
17. Oakland Raiders
Like Johnny Depp’s “Captain Jack Sparrow,” the Raider is more costume than a reality.
18. Tennessee Titans
The wrath of the Titans expresses itself in the form of not making the playoffs.
19. Carolina Panthers
“I’m so stoked to play some — wait, is that a laser pointer? HOLY SHIT!”
20. Buffalo Bills
At least he has his winter coat on. Plus, buffalo hide is so in this season.
21. Atlanta Falcons
Birdie want a cracker? No? A Super Bowl ring, is what birdie wants.
22. Baltimore Ravens
“Caww! We’re Ravens! Caw! We won a Super Bowl! Caw! A group of us is called a murd — WHY YOU TELLING ME TO BE QUIET, RAY LEWIS?”
23. Philadelphia Eagles
The Philly eagle: Proud to be American, but even prouder to hate your guts for not being from Philadelphia.
24. New York Jets
I assume by “jets” they mean airplanes, but lately they play more like the “Jets” in West Side Story.
25. Cincinnati Bengals
“Oh, hey there, ginger cat. Was Hard Knocks tough on ya? Want me to rub your tummy?”
27. Chicago Bears
That would be absolutely horrifying to be running at you, much like the real life Brain Urlacher.
28. Denver Broncos
This is terrifying. I actually think this is what the Ravens saw last week playing the Broncos.
29. New Orleans Saints
When people believe they are chosen by a higher power, they can be mighty dangerous.
30. Minnesota Vikings
That is one dude a ref doesn’t want to argue a call with.
31. Pittsburgh Steelers
Just a dude punching in to punch you out. That’s pretty badass.
- And President Obama actually made his daughters laugh at the annual White House turkey pardon. ›