50 Thoughts Everyone Has When They Find Out They Are Lactose Intolerant

“But I hate margarine.”

1. Well, just got the news. No more dairy for me.

2. I suddenly feel very, very sad.

3. At least now I know what was giving me trouble.

4. This will be good for me. Dairy isn’t natural for people to eat, I heard, or someone told me, or I saw it. I don’t know.

5. I just wish I could’ve said goodbye.

6. Time to get rid of some food, then. ::: opens fridge :::

7. Goodbye, leftover lasagna.

8. Goodbye, just-bought pint of Cherry Garcia.

9. Goodbye, frozen jalapeño poppers.

10. Goodbye, cheese.

11. Shit, that means no more milk and cookies.

12. ::: sheds single tear :::

13. And no more… pizza.

14. ::: sobs uncontrollably :::

15. I blame my genes for this. Which one of you did this to me, Mom and Dad?!

16. How will I go on? How will I ever eat ever again?

17. Dairy is in everything!

18. I mean, what doesn’t have dairy in it? Lettuce?

19. Does this make me vegan now?

20. Wait, meat doesn’t have dairy.

21. Dodged that bullet.

22. But what about butter?

23. I have to stock up on margarine now.

24. But I hate margarine.

25. Will my friends hate me?

26. Probably.

27. Now I have to, like, worry about ingredients.

28. I wonder what else I should worry about.

29. ::: Googles “things that have dairy in them” :::

30. This is worse than I expected.

31. What exactly are casein and whey and why are they in EVERYTHING? Dairy, you are a crafty devil.

32. Holy crap. I totally forgot about mac and cheese.

33. Maybe I’ve been misdiagnosed. I should test it one more time.

34. ::: takes bite of leftover lasagna :::

35. See, that wasn’t so — uh oh.

36. ::: immediately farts, then wails for ten minutes :::

37. I’m not even that old!

38. This is so unfair.

39. I’m a good person! What did I do to deserve this?

Universal Pictures / Via reddit.com

40. I don’t want to have to buy Lactaid.

41. People will see me taking it and know I’m a fart monster.

42. Aha! This is all a ploy by Lactaid to make money from fart monsters like me!

43. But Lactaid might help, so…

44. ::: goes on Amazon, orders Lactaid :::

45. In the meantime, I guess I’ll just not eat dairy.

46. Think of it as a fresh start! With less gassiness and frequent trips to the toilet! It will be worth it!

47. ::: looks at food to get rid of :::

48. Eh, I can deal with cheese farts and acid reflux for a few days.

49. ::: puts jalapeño poppers in the microwave, eats a big bite of Cherry Garcia :::

50. I’M GOING TO MISS YOU, DAIRY!!!

Check out more articles on BuzzFeed.com!

Facebook Conversations
          
    Hot Buzz

    What’s The Weirdest Thing That’s Ever Happened To You During Sex?

    collection

    What’s Your Strangest One-Night Stand Story?

    collection
    Now Buzzing