62 Thoughts Everyone Has When Their Internet Is Down

“I should go to grad school.”

1. OK, time to check my email.

2. Oh, Danny is in Gchat. I wonder what he’s up to?

3. LOL… Danny is the master of the gif response.

4. Cannot connect to server? What the hell?

5. I bet Danny thinks I’m a jerk now for suddenly ending our chat.

6. Let me just close this tab and try again.

7. Huh. That didn’t work.

8. Let me just close my browser. That should do the trick.

9. Nope.

10. Is it the modem?

11. Why did I stick the modem behind the couch again?

12. Oh, the DVD remote. I’ve been looking for that.

13. So, is flashing green on the modem good or bad?

14. I’m going to guess bad.

15. I think you’re supposed to unplug it and wait ten seconds. Let’s do that.

16. Wow, ten seconds is a lot longer than I thought.

17. Now all I have to do is plug it back in, and…

18. Nothing. Now it is flashing red.

19. I think I’ve made the situation worse.

20. I should Google this.

21. Shit.

22. Plan B.

23. I’m calling the customer service number. Good thing they put it on the side of the modem.

24. I’m just going to keep hitting “0” until I get an operator.

25. There are ten customers ahead of me? This should be a fun wait.

26. I wonder if I chose a different language if I would’ve gotten through faster.

27. I need to clip my fingernails.

28. Are they playing Pitbull as their wait music?

29. Oh, no, that’s just a car passing by.

30. I wonder what’s happening on Twitter.

31. I should tweet more. Everyone says how funny I am.

32. Crap! I forgot I was downloading a movie from iTunes!

33. How will I ever see Frozen now?

34. I should use this time to make a sandwich.

35. Wait, is today the 26 or the 27? I think this bread is old.

36. Spoonful of peanut butter it is.

37. This is probably a sign.

38. Everything happens for a reason, right?

39. This is a perfect opportunity to wean myself off the narcotic which is technology.

40. I can begin anew, unshackled to the matrix.

41. I’ve gotten through! An actual human is talking to me. Eureka! VIVA LA MATRIX!

42. Ugh! Security questions? My favorite actor? I DON’T REMEMBER.

43. NO! The call was dropped!

44. Hurry! Is *69 still a thing?

45. Annnnnnnnd my phone is dead.

46. Figures. This is why I should stop playing Candy Crush when I’m pooping.

47. Well, maybe I’ll check the modem again.

48. I think it is blinking “Fuck you” in Morse code.

49. I guess I can finish that book I started four months ago.

50. On second thought, maybe I will go for a run.

51. Can’t find my pedometer. Run is off.

52. Maybe I should call my mom.

53. Maybe I should call my dad.

54. Maybe I should finish my application to grad school.

55. Will I ever find love?

56. Is there a heaven?

57. Is it too late to become a better person?

58. We only get one life. Am I wasting mine?

59. My parents had accomplished so much at my age. Where did I go wrong?

60. Will I die alone?

61. Wait, the internet is back!

62. What was I just thinking about?

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