Are you a gumshoe out of a Dashiell Hammett novel? No? Are you guest starring on Mad Men? No? Then don’t wear a fedora.
2. Those diaper pants.
See Justin Bieber? Even he can’t pull these pants off, and he’s what? Twelve? Your old ass has no chance with these so don’t even try.
3. Choker necklaces.
Unless you are marooned on an island and you made that necklace to pass the time, then you have no business wearing it. Actually, that’s no excuse. Take it off right now.
4. Crazy-busy shoes.
Do those come in toddler size? Because that’s the only size they should come in. If your shoes have more than four colors and have multiple patterns then they get the boot. Pun intended.
5. Running shoes as everyday shoes.
Nothing says, “I’ve broken my New Year’s resolution to get in shape” more than wearing running shoes with jeans.
Dracula called. He said, “Nah, you can have the cape. Even I know they look dumb.”
7. Dangly earrings.
“I should really take this off.” — George Michael, on his dangly earring.
Unless you are gardening or working in a kitchen these have no excuse to be anywhere near your feet. NO EXCUSE.
This guy can wear them because he is wearing them for a purpose, aka work. You are not this guy.
10. Mock turtlenecks.
For when your neck is not quite cold yet not quite hot. Also, for when you want to look like the long lost member of Color Me Badd.
Look, I’m sure these probably feel like walking in clouds as kittens and puppies dance around your feet, but that is still no reason to wear them.
12. Skull jewelry when you are not in fact a sorcerer.
Or a scary biker dude, because in that case you do you, player.
13. Duster coats.
Is your last name Van Helsing? Are you wrasslin’ cattle? I didn’t think so.
14. A tie + vest + no shirt combo.
It’s like Magic Mike, only without the magic. So your look is pretty much just “Mike.”
15. Free T-shirts from your bank.
Or from wherever. Although this dad just trolled me, so hats off, good sir.
16. Nut-hugging pants.
I can see how much change you have in your pocket. Looks like 28 cents and a penis.
17. Fake tans.
OK, not an actual thing to wear, but also not an actual tan so we’re even.
18. Wrists full of bracelets.
I don’t even… This is called “arm parties”? ::: gets in rocket, leaves Earth :::
19. Flat-brimmed caps.
With the exception being if you are a hip-hop legend — i.e., the Wu-Tang Clan gets a pass. Not that they needed one, though.
20. Really, anything Johnny Depp is wearing nowadays.
He’s like a walking Don’t. What happened, Johnny?