1. White sunglasses
I know you think they say “I’m pretty cool” but what they really say is “I can drink my weight in Natty Light and still be up by noon.”
2. Baja hoodies
Unless you are a professional surfer who travels the world on an endless summer, then you have no reason to wear one of these monstrosities. I mean, I know you want to hang onto those spring break memories from Cancun, but it really is time to move on.
3. White hats
A: They get dirty.
B: They’re ugly.
C: Yours is probably dirty and ugly.
Throw. It. Away.
4. Shower sandals
The ultimate in lazy college dude fashion. These are fine when you have an 8 a.m. science lab, not so great when you have an 8 a.m. job interview.
5. Childrens backpacks
Because nothing says “My mom still does my laundry” like rocking a backpack meant for a 10-year-old.
6. Basketball shorts in non-sports settings
Are you currently playing basketball? On your way to play basketball? Been drafted by the Utah Jazz in the third round of the draft? If you answered no to any/all of these questions then do not wear basketball shorts in public. Also, FYI, when you wear them we can all see your wiener.
7. Popped collars
Actually, no one should ever wear this look. Someone please take it out behind the barn and put it out of its misery. Popped collars, not the dog, obviously.
8. Free T-shirts
The only acceptable place for these are the gym or when changing the oil in your car, that way you can use it to wipe your dirty, greasy paws.
9. Running shoes
Contrary to popular belief, there is a difference between sneakers meant for running/working out and for everyday wear. Not saying you have to throw out those Brooks, just that they are not an all-purpose shoe and when you pair them with jeans you look like your dad.
10. Marijuana-affiliated anything
Items include: Phish concert shirts, Bob Marley shirts, clever 420 shirts, etc.
11. Puka shell necklaces
Kenny Chesney eventually got the memo and got rid of his, but you should get rid of yours ASAP.
12. I <3 Boobies bracelets
Look, we all love boobies. They’re great, and any cause to keep them healthy gets my full support. However, after college, wearing one of these makes you look like that creepy old guy at the party. So, y’know, don’t be that guy.
13. High school/college letterman jackets
Even after high school these look sort of desperate, since no one cares that you lettered in cross country your sophomore year. The look of desperation is doubled after college, so just put them away in your chest of memories and remember them fondly, like that time your bro dared you to chug that entire bottle of ketchup.
14. Baggy below-the-knee shorts
Please, just get shorts that fit you and have an appropriate amount of pockets, OK?
15. Hilarious frat shirts
The only rushing you should be doing after college is to your new job, hopefully wearing proper attire.
18. College-emblazoned gear
Remember when your parents brought you to orientation and you used their looming sadness to your advantage by convincing them to buy you a bunch of clothes at the college bookstore? Well, now you don’t need three hoodies, four shirts, and two pairs of shorts stating where you went. Keep one or two mementos and chuck the rest, because chances are they still reek of the cheap beer you got on them while doing all those keg stands.
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