1. Ordering a dry cappuccino makes you an awful human being.
Especially ordering one during the morning rush. They take forever to make, which backs up the rest of the orders. So congrats, now everyone behind you hates you. Plus, it’s not even a cappuccino; it’s a cup of milky-air with some espresso at the bottom. Ugh.
2. Early morning is horrible for everyone, including your barista, so inside voices are appreciated.
Look, I know this is customer service, but cut your barista a little slack if they seem less than thrilled to make your quad-shot short-pull non-fat latte at 7 a.m., OK?
3. Tipping goes a long way to good fortune.
It’s called coffee karma, which means the more you tip the more free drinks you receive from time to time. You don’t need to make it rain, but a light drizzle every now and again is much obliged and will not go unnoticed.
4. The lovely smell of fresh ground coffee gets old real fast.
Customers are always like, “Don’t you just loooove that smell?” No, for now it reminds me of double-shifts and cranky customers.
5. The restroom is a privilege, not a right.
OK, maybe not as extreme as this, but remember to be respectful to the fact that other people need to use it. That means not using it as a private conference room/dressing room/shower/shooting gallery/etc. Also, in most instances, coffee shop employees are in charge of cleaning them, so the less foul you can leave them the better.
6. Changing your order as your drink is being made is an asshole move.
“What’s that? You want to change it to soy but don’t want to pay the extra charge and you want it iced?” head explodes from rage
7. A sample of coffee is not a free small coffee.
You want to try today’s brew? Fine. You want to try it again and again? Then pay, you cheapskate.
8. Using “ordering hacks” and “secret menu” requests makes your barista hate you.
Stop thinking it’s clever to order an iced americano then use the free milk to make your own iced latte. It is a blatant dick move and the entire barista community hates you for it.
9. Drinking decaf early in the morning is the most confusing thing ever.
Why anyone would order a large decaf anything at 6 a.m. is beyond me. But hey, it’s your $4.
10. Not every barista is great at latte art.
Yes, this is awesome. No, I will not try to make you one.
11. Misspelling your name is not meant as an insult.
My bad, Barbara.
12. Cleaning the milk fridge is the grossest possible task.
Oh, goodie. Looks like a carton leaked and there is now a smelly, crusty layer to clean up. Awesome.
13. If you order while on your phone, revenge will be exacted.
It’s petty, I know, but damn if it doesn’t feel good to do.
14. There is such a thing as too much caffeine.
6 a.m.: double espresso
6:30 a.m.: black coffee
7:30 a.m.: macchiato
9 a.m.: another double espresso
10 a.m.: iced coffee
10:05 a.m.: begins dancing maniacally to imaginary music as reality fades away