The Worst Parts Of Being A Los Angeles Football Fan

“So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.” – F. Scott Fitzgerald, on the state of a NFL franchise-less Los Angeles.

1. This was the proposed Farmers Field. The supposed future home of a Los Angeles NFL Franchise.

It was taken out behind the barn and shot instead.

Los Angeles is one of the biggest cities in the country, nay, the world, with no NFL team to speak of. Even Jacksonville has a goddamn team, for crying out loud! Isn’t it crazy to think that every high school senior in L.A. County grew up with no professional home football team to root for? That’s downright un-American. Here’s why the beginning of every NFL season is bittersweet for an L.A. football fan.

3. The unending talks of getting a franchise.

From getting an expansion team to relocating an existing one, the NFL has been blowing smoke up the asses of L.A. fans for years now. The latest ass-smoke provider was Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones, who said, “…it’s a little bit of a black eye for all of us to have had this many years and not had an NFL team in Los Angeles.” Sure, Jerry, whatever.

4. Dealing with the constant reminder of teams we lost, like the Raiders.

The Raiders inhabited Los Angeles from 1982–1994. In that time, they won one Super Bowl (1983) and also gave us Bo Jackson, arguably the best two-sport athlete ever.

But then, like Keyser Söze in The Usual Suspects, poof, they were gone. Since they were never really ours to begin with, rooting for them now is like deciding to go live with your stepdad in Oakland after he divorced your mom. So, good riddance, but I’d still rather have the Raiders than nothing.

6. And the Chargers.

The Chargers actually spent their first year in Los Angeles before moving to Whale’s Vagina, er, San Diego, which makes rooting for them worse. Though they never won a Super Bowl, they have seemingly been paper champions at the beginning of almost every season since the Dan Fouts days, only to fall short every year. They also have Philip “Laserface” Rivers at QB, who’s never met a call he didn’t want to argue about.

Plus, they’re a good two hours away from Los Angeles, which makes rooting for them somewhat of a chore if you want to be a true fan. Plus, if you want to be a Dodgers fan, you must hate the Padres (same goes for the Giants), and cross-endorsing team cities is a no-no.

8. Oh, and the Rams.

This one probably hurts the most, since they were here from 1946 to 1994, which makes 1994 the year of the Double Fuck You, L.A.! exodus. Yet, we must remember that the “Los Angeles” Rams moved to Anaheim in 1980, playing in what was then Angels Stadium. And like the Dodger affiliation, no cross-supporting is allowed. Also, to add insult to injury, they moved to St. Louis and won a Super Bowl in 1999. Rams are jerks.

Yet, again, were the Rams to come back to Los Angeles (actual Los Angeles, not Orange County), they would probably be welcomed with open arms.

11. College football is not the same as NFL football.

“You have the Trojans,” is a phrase often heard after complaints that Los Angeles doesn’t have a team. Yes, the USC Trojans are great, but if you didn’t go to school there, why would you root for them? And ultimately, college football in no way compares to the high-intensity rush that is the NFL.

12. Transplants aren’t shy about loving their teams.

See that picture? It’s a room full of Chicago fans having a blast, not in Chicago, but in Hermosa Beach at Silvio’s, an all-Chicago sports supporting restaurant. Every Sunday and Monday (and now some Thursdays), L.A. fans must deal with the jealousy they have of people like this, and the fact they have a team to root for.

13. But what else are the transplants supposed to do? WE HAVE NO FRANCHISE HERE!

I’d give my right nut for the worst NFL team in their worst year, like the 2008 Detroit Lions, that’s how desperate the situation is.

14. The worst part? The fact that we Los Angeles fans can’t help but keep hope alive.

Because as author Paulo Coelho put it, “Dreamers can’t be tamed.”

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