1. Peeing with a boner.
Evolution is a cruel mistress and this was a serious design flaw.
2. Sitting on your wallet all day and getting a sore butt cheek.
This is a strong example in the case for having man purses.
3. When your balls uncomfortably stick to your legs.
4. The dreaded multi-stream.
One stream, two stream, three stream… Time to wipe the wall.
5. Shaving in general.
Ugh. Why can’t I just have a scraggly, patchy beard? DAMN YOU, SOCIETY AND ITS LOVE OF SMOOTH CHEEKS.
6. Rogue boners out of nowhere.
Cool breeze? Boner. Checking email? Boner. Getting some ice cream? Double boner.
7. When swim trunks show off your junk.
Thanks, swim attire designers!
8. Having your penis shrink to a nubbin after being in cold water.
We have all been there, and sadly, will be there again.
9. The fact that blue balls are real.
I really wish they weren’t real, but like gluten allergies, they really are.
10. The fear of somehow getting kicked in the nards.
The threat is around you at all times. The question isn’t how it will happen but when?
11. Using the word “manscaping.”
Can’t we just call it what it is, which is pube-trimming? Oh, and can we all agree that a No. 2 guard is the perfect length?
12. Getting hair in all the wrong places.
Just what I needed, a permanent sweater.
13. Losing hair in all the wrong places.
Not everyone has the magical Tim Duncan as a friend who can cure their male pattern baldness like that.
14. The embarrassment of being caught checking someone out.
This is why sunglasses with dark lenses were invented.
15. Crying during movies about fathers and sons.
::: sobs quietly :::
16. Crying during movies about fathers and sons and sports.
::: bawls :::
17. Getting over the hover hand.
Eventually you go from kid on the right to kid on the left, it just takes some time.
18. Having sex and finishing too soon.
Don’t worry, it happens to this best of us. Actually, it happens to all of us.
19. That is, when you don’t have a, well, hard time getting it up.
If you’re not there yet, congrats! Enjoy it while you still can, since there will come a day will you wonder why you got a random boner during Top Chef but now ain’t nothing happening.
20. Walking behind a woman on the street and worrying that she thinks you’re following her.
But it would be weird to yell, “I’m not following you!” Right?
21. Worrying that you will be/are a good father and partner.
This is why some men run but real men stay.
22. The pressure to be society’s standard of “manly.”
Not all men look the same, love the same, are the same. So screw the haters and do you, because the manliest thing you can do is be yourself and love those around you. Oh, and cry during Field of Dreams.
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