1. Chilly butt? Use a butt warming pad.
“Why are you always tapping on this? It’s clearly made for heating up cat tushes.”
2. Need to diet? Stick your face in a cup!
“It does wonders, really.”
3. Forget to bring lunch? No worries. Just throw up your breakfast!
“The plus side is that you’ll like it, because you already ate it. Plus it’s fresh and warm.”
4. Hard to reach itch? Get a puppy to do it for you!
“They’re puppies. They’ll do anything you tell them to.”
5. Need to focus? Try a bottle cap!
“Or a pen cap. Or a quarter. Maybe a cork. Actually, just stare at whatever. I’m staring intently at dust in a beam of sunlight as we speak.”
6. Toothache? Try gently gnawing on bunny ears!
“I don’t know what those bunnies eat, but their ears are magic.”
7. Bed not comfy? Try a box!
“Trust me. They are supes comfy and always the perfect size.”
“Some even come with two beds, for when guests come over. Check your local box supplier to see if you too can get this deal.”
8. Forget your bowling ball? Be your own!
“It is just as fun as it looks. LOLOL!”
9. Need a present for your health nut friend? Get them something organic!
“If at first they don’t like it, just keep bringing them more. That’s what I do.”
10. Need a sparring partner? Use a tiny human!
“Why are you looking at me like that? Are they not as strong as our young? Let me guess, you don’t even carry them around in your teeth by the scruffs of their necks? And they call us pussies.”
11. Need a quiet napping place? Try a cool butt pad.
“Unlike the warming pad, this one seems to be manually operated.”
12. Or, try another cat, er, human.
“I mean, what else are you guys good for, right? JK. You give us treats and snuggles.”
13. Too tired to walk? Hitch a ride!
“Who cares what it is? Goat, human, Roomba, they all work the same.”
14. Tough day at the gym? Get a meowssage!
“OK, even I admit that was a bad pun. And I’m a cat.”
- President Obama on Monday declared a major disaster in South Carolina, where floods have killed at least 12 people and left tens of thousands stranded. ›
- California has become the fifth U.S. state to legalize physician-assisted suicide for terminally ill patients. ›
- The U.S., Japan, and 10 other Pacific Rim nations have agreed to a historic trade deal encompassing 40% of the world's economy. ›