1. When someone leaves a cart like this.
You haven’t even made it in the store and the dick moves already abound.
2. When people ignore the “10 Items or Less” sign.
There is a special place in hell reserved for the people who make this dick move.
3. When you just want to buy bread, and someone cart-blocks you.
Seriously, you just had to swerve in front of me? Here, take this coupon for 30% off your next dick move, you dick.
4. When these aren’t stacked correctly.
See how they all fit nicely? That is how they are supposed to look. Plopping yours on top doesn’t save you time, it’s just a major dick move.
5. When kids hustle cookies and candy outside the entrance.
I came in here for Triscuits and toilet paper, but now I’m leaving with three boxes of Samoas and a befuddled look of how I got suckered into this dick move once again.
6. When someone wants a price check then decides they don’t want the item after all.
“Oh, I thought the toothpaste was on sale. Never mind, then.” — Mr. Richard Move
7. When a parent lets their kid throw a tantrum.
Awwww hellll no! I know you’ve had a long day, but your kid is literally tearing the store apart. Stop making dick moves, you apparent dick.
8. When someone tries to haggle the price at the register.
Look, this isn’t a bazaar, so stop trying to get a deal on that bag of Kit Kats, OK? Only thing you can get a deal on is being a dick. And guess what? Today it’s free.
9. When the customer at the register in front of you needs to “run and get one thing.”
Really? One thing? Then why did you come back with a ton of stuff and take FIVE MINUTES? Oh, sorry, forgot you were a dick. My bad.
10. When someone asks to jump ahead of you in line, and then takes forever.
They’re asking for rolls of quarters?! Now the checker has to ask the manager, then the manager has to get the key… Then you punch yourself for falling for that dick move once again.
11. When someone uses the self checkout to buy fruits or vegetables.
“OK, let’s see here. Where’s the code on this thing?” — A dick, trying to find a barcode on a single radish.
12. When someone wants to speak with the manager because an item isn’t scanning.
All this does is distract the manager from getting that other dick his roll of quarters. What is up with everybody? Is it National Be a Dick Day?
13. When they’ve run out of these at the register.
How else is the checker supposed to differentiate between my ice cream and bourbon, and that lady’s popsicles and vodka? And no, we are not “together,” thank you very much. Just ring her up so that I can get out of this store of dick moves.
14. When someone has to “check the ripeness” by touching all the fruit.
Go ahead, put your grubby hands on all the nectarines. It’s not like I wanted any, you super dick.
15. When people abuse free samples.
Want to know if you are maker of dick moves? How many of those samples would you take? If you said more than two, congratulations, you are a dick.
16. When people abandon meat products on a shelf ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE STORE.
That 30-foot walk back to the meat section was too far, huh? That’s why you left this steak oozing blood next to the Oreos?! WHAT A DICK MOVE.
17. When someone forgets their loyalty card and tries to use a phone number instead.
“…9-8-2-1? Still not working? Try 6-3-4… No, scratch that. 6-3-5…” I know your number. Try 1-800-D-I-C-K-M-O-V-E.
18. When someone obviously has a cold and wanders the store.
I get that your prescription isn’t ready, but this is how Outbreak started. So just get your meds and leave as quickly as possible, you sick dick.
19. When people leave their cart in the middle of the aisle.
Where’d they go? To the restroom? Did they get raptured? All I know is that their cart is blocking the cereal aisle, and that whoever left it is a grade-A supreme dick.