1. They scare your pets.
Thanks, fireworks! I’ve been looking for a way to make my dog run away without feeling guilty.
2. They are explosives presented as a good time.
How crazy is that? At least they’ve stopped being made with gunpowder, but still.
4. Even though you know it is coming you are never really prepared for the first boom.
If your heart rate wasn’t up before it sure is now.
5. If you complain about them people think you’re a bad American.
As an American it is my right to hate whatever I damn well please.
6. When little kids throw a tantrum because you won’t let them play with sparklers.
Do you want to burn your eye out? Because I knew a kid that burned his out and now he wears a patch and he’ll never be a jet fighter.
7. They’re expensive for a few moments of pleasure.
Plus, you always get a few duds just remind you how much of a bad decision this was.
8. Something always gets damaged.
“Sooo worth it, though” he says sarcastically.
9. When people videotape them.
10. Fireworks with stupid names that nobody cares about.
At least this one sums it up perfectly.
11. When you’re tired/drunk and are forced to watch them, even though all you want to do is go to sleep.
WHY MUST I WATCH? I’m already seeing stars!
12. The big extravaganzas are boring because they’re always the same.
Oh, this one is set to the sounds of John Phillips Sousa? How original.
13. When someone invites you to their place with a “great view” to watch from.
Because if there is anything worse than watching fireworks, it’s watching tiny fireworks off in the distance as everyone oohs and aahs around you.
14. Having to walk, or worse, drive to see them.
That is after wrangling everyone, getting there, finding a spot in an already crowded area, all for 20 minutes of explosions in the sky.
15. Risking your life climbing a roof just to get a better view.
Why? Because screw safety! There’s fireworks to see!
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