Posted on Dec 9, 2014

What Straight Men's Careers Say About Them

Judgment day is here.

by Julia Pugachevsky, Tanya Chen, Marie Telling, Alexis Nedd, Sarah Karlan

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"In theory they sound great because they're smart and seem to care about the world around them."

"I would feel guilty if I wasn't interested / up to date on what they were writing about."

"'Don't ever date a journalist' (says a journalist.)"

"They (also we) are always making a narrative out of every situation."

"Stop asking me questions. I am not a story."

"They also really buy into the coffee-swilling, notebook-toting gumshoe reporter thing."

"Yeah, the Bob Woodward syndrome."

"AND an unfinished novel on the side."

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"OH MY GOD. The HOTTEST. Literally. Nothing hotter."

"I picture these beautiful, sort of rough, manly hands?"

"Thick, soft hair except for that spot near his ear where he was grazed by a bullet."

"I imagine like a Robert Redford type in a khaki shirt."

"Like a mix between Robert Capa and Robert Redford in Out of Africa."

"They're romantic, and pragmatic."

"I'd always worry about them though, like 80% of the relationship would be stressful."

"And they're gone a lot."

"They will look down on your small life when they come back."

"'Honey, how was your day?' — imagine the two answers between you two."

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"If WE (common folk) are dating a filmmaker, they are an ASPIRING filmmaker."

"There should be a rule you can't call yourself a 'filmmaker' until you've actually made a film."

"They always want to talk about their screenplay."

"YOU CAN'T WATCH MOVIES WITH THEM. They will ruin every movie for you."

"They'll have that one shit movie that you hate that they think is the best thing ever."

"They just LOVE the French Nouvelle Vague."

"You'll have to pretend like you like their films. It will weigh a heavy toll on the relationship."

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"I feel like they'd be judging my teeth constantly."

"Dentists aren't real because I have never encountered a dentist in the wild."

"They are obviously smart, but socially awkward with a hint of creepiness."

"If I kissed them, they would feel my enamel."

"At least they'd probably always have minty breath."

"Yeah but you don't always have minty breath yourself and they will judge you."

"BUT... free dental work probably?"

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"Hot."

"Argue me into bed, you monster."

"I only know them from movies and TV shows though, but there's never been a hotter man on TV than Will Gardner on The Good Wife."

"All the men on The Good Wife actually, SO HOT."

"I just think of Jim Carrey in Liar Liar."

"They are smart smart smart –– but always want to argue."

"But imagine being behind your boo in court when he 12 Angry Jurors somebody into submission/confessing on the stand."

"THE COURTROOM IS YOUR FOREPLAY."

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"I mean there's the $$$ but other than that, ewwww."

"Hobbies include drinking and golf and not much else going on upstairs."

"I wouldn't know what to talk about with them."

"One thing I will say is you get what you see: sometimes very hot, always very rich."

"I don't agree with what they do but they're pretty honest with what they do."

"Also: Patrick Bateman."

"They do lots of drugs: fun also sad."

"To sum up: fun also sad."

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"You'll always have a nice profile pic."

"They won't stop snapping away if you're just out in the world though."

"I love visual artists and photographers. Tasteful and fun and creative."

"If you don't like what they make it's a dealbreaker, though."

"Graphic designers seem down to Earth."

"They have cool, creative jobs, and they make a living."

"They're still doing art but not in a pretentious bohemian way."

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"YAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSSSS."

"The best."

"My honest theory of dating is that chefs are perfect men because 1) they can cook and cook well 2) they have cool taste in beer and 3) they are NEVER EVER AROUND."

"Imagine waking up at three in the morning to find your boyfriend has made you foie gras and then just wants to have sex and fall back asleep."

"They'll make up for missed birthdays with a gourmet meal."

"Bad hours. Awful schedule. And, according to Anthony Bourdain, drug problems."

"But hey, good food."

"Food can compensate for a lot, though......................"

"Except murder, if they killed someone."

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"Likes buildings!"

"The perfect male job."

"Every good movie boyfriend is an architect."

"Artistic, but grounded."

"They need to know a lot of technical stuff/math but have an appreciation for beauty."

"They don't make a lot of money, that's a myth."

"I picture them in tweed jackets with elbow patches."

"They wear all black, with glasses."

"THEY PROTECT PUBLIC PARKS!!!! WE NEED TO PROTECT THEM!!!!"

"They are genuinely interesting and fun people usually, sigh. Go find one."

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